Reflection Path: 2h43m
At about 5 PM or so today, I will be exactly 16 years old. In other words, it is my birthday.
The time now is 1130h... and I'm going to start looking through various areas of my life and how I have handled them over the past year. Personally, I believe birthdays are a good time to reflect on the past events of our lives; hence, I am happy that my birthday falls near the end of the year, because it gives me the opportunity of thinking back on what happened this year, rather than what happened since the birthday the previous year. While I am not opposed to birthday celebrations (I even host them), I believe that a birthday celebration should generally be a more quiet, more personal, more reflective affair. I guess that's why my invite list shot down from 20+ last year to 4 this year. (Don't worry, if you still want to come to my house, I'm hosting a bigger one later on.)
There are several areas I will need to examine, so I will list them out now before proceeding lest I miss one or two.
- Academics
- Relationships with family
- Recreation
- Duties in the Boys' Brigade
- Relationships with friends
- Relationship with God
For me, I would link work ethic with academics. This is one area in which, to some extent, I have backslid. I still remember studying for 5-6 hours on end in Sec 2 and Sec 3; this year, I don't remember looking at any subjects for so long other than during the exam period itself. In fact, this year, I've found it rather difficult to concentrate on pretty much any subject for more than 3 hours. Often, I'll end up wandering randomly to play one or two rounds of StepMania or something before getting back to work. NOT good.
This also links to my behaviour during lessons in school, which may seem rather innocuous to most people... but again, it's backslid from previous levels. In Sec 2 and Sec 3, I would generally pay attention to pretty much every lesson. This year, I admittedly have not been concentrating in some lessons, usually because I knew I wouldn't be doing it in the exam (last part of Lang Arts A), I knew the content was extracurricular, or I was quite sure of the content myself, or I needed to clear some work desperately (I picked up this habit from Russell, but I guess it's not his fault since it is, after all, being resourceful too... and it doesn't mean that if the person next to you does something, you must follow suit.)
I will also cover my endeavours in the Math Comp Team here, as it's largely academic in nature. I've been spending about 2 days a week for most of the school year training - essentially, it would fill up my schedule quite badly, such that in total I stay back 5 out of 5 days each week. I guess the training has been somewhat rewarding, as it culminated in a Gold Award for the Senior Section this year, which I am very satisfied with. I guess next year I'll have to get ready for Open though... I need to try and reach for a Silver next year. Thinking about it, I need to thank God for the Gold Award, it being my last chance for quite a while to get one...
I will write about the IB points and subject system. Personally, I agree with the system utilising a high cutoff of 85 points for the maximum grade; however, there are some grade bands I feel are too wide, notably the 6 point band [70 - 84], since many students will score in there, it fails to do its job of differentiating the students' performances. If I had control over the IB system, I would probably split it this way:
8points - 85 or more
7points - 75 to 84
6points - 65 to 74
5points - 58 to 64
4points - 50 to 57
3points - 40 to 49
2points - 30 to 39
1point - 20 to 29
0points - 0 to 19
TOK and EE award a maximum of 4 bonus points.
This way, none of the intermediate grade bands are bigger than 10 marks apart, reducing the ambiguity. Of course, in a grade point system like this one there is sure to be some ambiguity; however, I would rather deal with a system that is less ambiguous and yet still reasonably simple to work with. (Less ambigiuity will generally result in more bands and vice versa) I think 9 bands is ok, similar to what the O level system uses.
With regard to the IB subject model, the hexagon design is somewhat in-line with its target of holistic education, I guess. For me, I will be taking Language Arts SL, Chinese (A2 or B - depends on whether B is available...) SL, Econs HL, Phys HL, Chem SL, Math HL. Also, I will be applying to take a seventh subject, Computer Studies SL, seeing as Rene knows of some people who are taking seven. This will, other than give me an additional qualification, also help to act as a safety net for either Physics or Chem; since I'll effectively get to drop the worst of these three scores. Personally, I think the school should allow students who have shown aptitude for academics be allowed to take seven subjects next year... (i.e. people like Shaun, Rene, Jarrel, Russell, Daniel Yee etc)
I would also like to talk about Philosophy of Disciplines which we have studied this year. Essentially, we were trained in critical thinking (which I somewhat enjoyed), and then had to study all kinds of data about philosophers from various periods, take notes on their philosophies, and ultimately analyse them in discussions. I still remember the two major questions we analysed over the past 2 years in this subject.
The Year 3 question was based on a quote from Bertrand Russell's The Problems of Philosophy, if I remember the title correctly. Essentially, the quote said that philosophy was more about the process than the final product. I remember writing this essay, finding it rather difficult and getting stressed over it because, well, I did not have much of a philosophical background. Hence, I analysed the statement, wrote and re-wrote my essay for more than 8 hours before producing an essay that helped me obtain the academic award for PoD in the end...
The Year 4 question was much shorter, asking us to write an essay entitled "The Meaning of Life", based on two existing philosophies. I chose to analyse Christian Theism and Nihilism in this essay, and probably spent about 8 hours on it as well. Submitting a 1st draft, Mr Taylor said that it was excellent; I made the recommended touch-ups, resubmitted it at submission time and got 40/40, a perfect score.
This is quite puzzling, because personally if I marked a PoD essay, it would be difficult to obtain more than 36 marks or so, because I recognise 36 as 90%, delimiting the boundary between merely being 'very good' and true excellence. I don't think I would give a PoD essay 100%, even if you threw me all the past essays on this question submitted by past students...
The time now is 1203. I just received a phonecall from my grandmother wishing me happy birthday. This brings back many happy memories... I remember how I celebrated my birthdays in the past, when I would usually celebrate at my grandmother's house. Thinking about it now brings back echoes of a warm, fuzzy feeling that I remember I used to have when I was there. The colour of the soft, warm, yellow lights reflecting off Grandma's smile produced a rather long-lasting, happy image in my mind.
I noticed I have not really written about my grandmother before. Through the years, all I can say is that my love for her has grown somewhat - to me, she has acted as an icon representing spiritual and moral uprightness and purity, which I have often needed help with over the past year or so. Her unwavering support in prayer and in spirit have really helped me a lot this year.
Sometimes, I wonder if I have been treating my family properly as well. The Bible says in Exodus that we are to "honour our father and mother"... sometimes, I don't really know if I've been doing this. Admittedly, I get a little irritated at times when someone asks me something which I think is ridiculously simple (i.e. How do you open Internet Explorer?), repeats a question several times even after I have given answers or tries to insult my intelligence (Mahjong: when I'm in a 3-way wait for the 1 Sou, 4 Sou or 7 Sou - in other words, my tiles are complete except for the 23456 Sou, my father once told me, "Why are you waiting on the 1 Sou, 2 are already discarded"...). This is bad.
It is now 1211. I need a break from writing this essay, I'll be back soon...
It is now 1230. I just played three songs on Stepmania, and now my fingers hurt. I will now be looking at the recreation I have been partaking of this year.
Of course, firstly, Stepmania, essentially pressing buttons corresponding to arrows on the screen in accordnance (generally) to the sounds or beat in music. What I like about this game is that it generally isn't very time-consuming - you won't play for very long - because after 15 minutes or so, your fingers will feel smashed-in (if you play like me, that is). Also, you get a very clear idea of how well you did, because you are told what proportion of steps you hit within a certain timing window (duh).
I used to play this a LOT, but now my skills have backslid quite a bit due to lack of practice. Still, that's OK... (Border of Life is a 152 BPM song which starts with simple streams, but they get messier as time goes on.) I don't want to spend TOO much time on this.
I also would play DDR, basically Stepmania on feet. Naturally, the songs I do are MUCH easier; typically only running at 5 Hz rather than the 12 or so to even 20+ Hz found on keyboard songs.
However, DDR makes me sweaty and hot, hence making me have to bathe after being finished with it. As a result, I generally prefer to play Stepmania when I'm looking for a quick diversion because little time is wasted on set-up and closing down compared against DDR.
I also play the Touhou series once in a while, notably Touhou 7 - Perfect Cherry Blossom. The games essentially force you to dodge large spams of bullets using a tiny hitbox. I only started playing this year; and even then, I rarely play the game, and when I do, I don't usually play more than 1 full game that lasts about 40 minutes. It was through playing the Touhou series that I discovered Danmakufu as well, which is a bullet scripting engine (the term danmaku refers to "bullet hell") that I have enjoyed messing around with.
Another thing I also play is The Sims 2, which I have spent quite a bit of money on. The game is fun to experiment with, and my Sims can share in my happiness/unhappiness (not the other way round)... as childish as it seems, sometimes it brightens my day to see some Sims having a celebration; other times, I enjoy it when it rains, is gloomy and a Sim was struck by lightning...
For a short while this year, I remember playing a bit of Kingdom of Loathing too. I don't remember too much about it, but it couldn't retain my interest for very long - I found the gameplay fairly repetitive; not as bad as the Runescape I played last year, but still. Time-consuming.
Sometimes, I enjoy randomly reading Wikipedia as well. Through pressing 'random page' many times, I have learnt about quite a few things, such as the fifth basic taste of umami (glutamates), several details about Japanese sushi, about Dyson Spheres, about Turduckens (chicken stuffed into a duck stuffed into a turkey) and many other things.
I don't really think it can be counted as a game, but I enjoy messing around with the GIMP, an image-editing program I downloaded from the Internet for free. I have used it to flesh out quite a few random ideas, such as the class t-shirt designs or the poster for the Things Fall Apart movie production. Other than that, I also have enjoyed using it to produce song backgrounds and banners for my edits in Stepmania.
Once in a while, I will play Scrabble as well, either against the robots on Scrabulous.com or against the Quackle engine. I've learnt quite a few new words from playing Scrabble, as useless as some of them are. Overall, if the Scrabulous robots and the Quackle engine are fairly consistent in their playing level, then I have probably improved since I used to be trashed by Quackle by over 200 points, and lost to Scrabulous Intermediate Bots consistently. I've beaten Quackle before and now usually lose by less than 70 or so, and can usually beat the Intermediate bots. I've learnt a few queer words that can come in useful... OTARINE and ETAERIO, for exmaple, which are very high-probability racks that might come out of the back, or unsuspecting ways to trap your opponents (for a common one, ETHANOL takes M in front...). Sometimes, learning the meaning of a word with a silly pattern can be quite cool too... EUOUAE, for example, which is a name for a Gregorian cadence, or QAIMAQAM, which refers to a Turkish officer.
I also find talking to friends a good way of recreation - NOT to unload problems and headaches onto them, but... I really don't know, actually. Perhaps the knowledge that one person understands you, and listens to you... and the joy of listening to the other person and understanding him... is satisfying? I don't really know. I can feel rejuvenated talking about all kinds of random issues like weather, Texas Hold'em Poker, random people we encountered on our days, etc...
The time now is 1252. I will be going on to discussing about my tenure in the Boys' Brigade and my relationship with it. I have been in the BB for 4 years and am planning to become a Primer, which will last me until Year 6.
Personally, my relationship with the 12th company has been a bit strange. Being a Juniors NCO, I often felt quite left out of the rest of the affairs of the Senior Section (going down 2 days a week for BB is not a good idea) and, conversely, enjoyed the company of my boys in the Junior Section. Still, I knew that Juniors would be helpful on my schedule, because a parade length of 5-6 hours on Saturdays plus planning time during the week is far more strenuous than the Juniors schedule of a very small bit of planning time plus 2-3 hours on Friday.
The Juniors Camp that Edward and I ran during June was a pretty good chance for me to get to know some of my juniors better. The camp also taught me a valuable lesson - during the camp, there was one boy named Dylan who seemed to have trouble coping with the discipline and activities of the camp. Initially, I helped him; later on, when he kept looking for me, I was honestly getting a little irritated. However, I remember somewhere that a good leader would actually be a servant to his subordinates. If I am not wrong, it is shown through Jesus washing the feet of his disciples. This thought kept me going and stopped me from becoming overly irritated. With time, as the camp progressed, I began to understand him slightly better; and even though I wouldn't see him again after the camp (he was in Primary 3 or 4, can't remember), I hope that through the camp, I have been able to leave some kind of a lasting impression on him.
While I am on the subject of BB, I might as well discuss the Sharity Gift Box, which I just completed my responsibility of two days (30th Nov, 2nd Dec). This is actually quite a troubling issue... each year, the Sharity Gift Box reminds me of the significant proportion of the Singaporean population that lives in economic hardship. This is a good thing... and hence, I will do my duty. However, what was disappointing, at least for the two days on which I went down, was the reaction of the public. I can't blame them, of course; seeing that if I was in their position and was in a hurry, I might just as well have turned away the flyer / request. However, the way in which some of them declined; the tone they used, was just... disappointing. There were also several kind souls whom I would like to thank God for. I remember an elderly couple driving a rather big trolley toward the Gift Box and passing us quite a few bags filled with various items like rice and cooking oil. We also collected money using a coin tin... some people donated large amounts in excess of $10. I also remember quite a few children donating money... while the amount might be insignificant, like 10 or 20 cents, it's the thought that counts. This somewhat reminds me of the woman who donated a (single/few? not sure) copper coin(s) that was essentially all her savings in the Bible. Jesus blessed her, saying her donation was far greater than what many wealthy people had given. Of course, I do not want to demean those who gave large amounts; in fact, I should thank God for them as well. As I have already written, being with Daniel Chan and Mark Lai was rather interesting. At some point during our conversation when there was no one donating at the booth, I remember Daniel saying "Man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart." I'm not sure what the context of this was, but I found it quite a timely reminder. To be wary of mere appearances, and try and get to know the reality behind...
The time now is 1309. There are only two more things left for me to discuss, but these will both be very long: relationships with friends, and relationship with God.
Relationships with friends still seems easier to discuss. I know I have asked several people what their definition of a friend is... and I agree with most of them, in that a friend is a person with whom you can enjoy time spent together, a person whom you can trust, and a person who understands you. You should be able to understand him as well.
In terms of popularity, I wouldn't fare too well; however, I still must thank God for the relationships that I have. I am generally happier having some closer friends and many acquaintances rather than having many many acquaintances. I remember someone, I think Kevin Wong, posting about what he might be thinking of doing on his 21st birthday. There were several subsequent responses on his tagboard, ranging from having a small gathering of a few close friends, a gathering of family only, or large parties. I remember saying that I'd rather have a small group... when talking to Russell over the phone on something else unrelated to 21st birthdays, he said something about 4 to 5 being 'just right' for a gathering size or something.
Of course, though as I said earlier, there were only 4 people this year for my birthday party, it doesn't mean that I have only 4 friends... but even within "friend" there is much ambiguity with regards to closeness, understanding, commitment etc. There are some people whom I wouldn't initially think of as very close; yet, they've helped me when I had problems and I must thank them for that.
Have you ever wondered if you've been treating a friend "properly", or conversely, a friend hasn't been treating you "properly"? I initially used to be quite suspicious of this. However, with time, I've learnt that the act of being so overly suspicious is, arguably, not treating the friend "properly". Furthermore, this can strain the relationship. Though that can be good in that generally, if things are worked out properly, it can strengthen the relationship, there is a risk, and quite a big one, that things will never work out properly... Currently, in my opinion, one shouldn't be suspicious of people one would call a friend unless the "suspicious" behavioural pattern continues without explanation even when an explanation is requested...
I didn't really say very much about what happened on 5th December, so now is a good time to blog about it I guess.
Admittedly, there isn't really very much to say. Isaac, Henry, Russell and Shaun came over. Shaun came first, and I decided to watch Akagi #5 with him. Henry came shortly after... we talked about a few things and issues, you could say. I was getting abit concerned, partly because of the heavy rain - and also because I told Henry and Shaun that dinner would be served at 7 pm, and it was slightly past 7 and there was no sign of Russell or Isaac. Isaac reached at about 7.15, and we waited until about 7.30, but I guess we couldn't wait much longer and started then. I think Russell arrived just before 8... cause he missed the bus and got lost for a while after he left school. In any case, we just ate and talked for quite long.
By the time dinner ended, it was 8.45. I rarely spend more than 30 minutes on a meal, let alone 75. Well, when I eat with friends, I guess I might be more absorbed in the talking than the eating... However, I think most of us probably just ate more than normal. My dad took a group photo of the 5 of us, and then Shaun left quite promptly at 9.
Russell couldn't play cards, so Isaac, Henry and I decided to play texas hold'em poker for a while. It was pretty uneventful (the best hand anyone got was Henry's pair of kings). In the end, Isaac and Henry left at about 9.25 or so. Russell's parents arrived quite late (at almost 10) so I spent quite a while talking with him.
In any case, I enjoyed this party a lot, probably more so than any of the previous ones. Perhaps I value some sense of sobriety, or maybe because I can be more personal and upfront with people whom I know better...
The time now is 1340. I just went to open the presents I received...
Dear Isaac, thanks so much for the bag! You wanted to see how it looks on me - well, if you want I guess I can take a photo of myself with the bag. Hmm. Personally, I think it looks good, and I like the dark brownish color scheme. =)
Dear Russell, thanks for the bag as well. Haha if you want the photo of me with the bag I'm sure I can send it to you. As I've already said, I like the color scheme. This seems to some extent rather similar to the color scheme of your bag... haha. It's really nice. =)
Dear Henry, thanks for the card and Freakonomics! In general, I like receiving cards from people... I'm not sure really why. Probably cause it's more personal or something? Well, it's good that now I also have an econs book to read to prepare me for Econs HL next year other than the IB text. Thanks! =)
Dear Shaun, thanks for the Kakuro book and The Kite Runner! Lol I gave you a Sudoku book, and now you give me a Kakuro book... Anyway, I don't normally read a lot of fiction cause I'm not sure what to read anyway. I remember you gave me Tuesdays with Morrie quite a few years back. Thanks for making another decision for me... =)
The time now is 1349. Lastly, but in no way least, I need to analyse my relationship with God, and how it might have changed over this year.
I have learnt quite a bit about Christianity this year, possibly because I've started thinking a lot more about it over the past 2 years. Hopefully, my walk with God is developing; for even as I have started taking notes and writing down thoughts on the selected part of the Bible for QT over the past 2-3 weeks or so, I sometimes wonder if God is really speaking to me, because I often feel like I'm just going through the motions of *pray, open Bible, copy section, think, write thoughts, pray, write summary, conclude*. Still, I have to keep going; since perhaps God might be wanting to test my faith in Him, or perhaps I am not listening closely enough to hear what He has to say. Alternatively, I may not quite understand yet.
Yesterday, we were talking about the Second Coming of Jesus in Sunday School. This resulted in two main 'take-home' questions for us to think about:
(1) Why do we want to get into Heaven?
(2) What is our case - why should we get into Heaven?
These questions set me thinking quite a bit. (1) proved harder than (2) to answer, but in any case I have come to some conclusions about each of the questions.
With regards to (1), I don't think there is very much we have to say. Being made in God's image, we would want a reunion with our Creator, as well as with other people who have been saved. In addition, this answer feels wrong, but Heaven is definitely more comfortable than Hell - the two contrast eternal happiness and eternal suffering.
With regards to (2), the simple answer is... we don't really have a case by ourselves, since all of us are sinners. However, if we are repentant and believe that Jesus is our personal Lord and Saviour, then He has already died for our sins and hence made us innocent (in a legal system, this would be known as the rule of double jeopardy). Then again, how does one define belief as a personal Lord and Saviour? It's not easy to define, but I think it is best reflected in the way we do things and what we do - whether we listen to our conscience, it being a part of the Holy Spirit in us; or whether we try to communicate with Jesus and God, knowing full well that we have no proof of His existence; whether we try to fulfil God's instructions to the best of our ability - according to Ecclesiastes, "Fear God and keep his commands, for this is the whole duty of man". Looking at it from a personal standpoint, I have been trying and I will continue to try harder to maintain and improve my relationship with Jesus and God.
This topic of God and Christianity also brings me to talk about Christmas. Christmas reflects the birth of Jesus Christ, even though many other things are, as a result of commercialisation, attached to it as well, such as various food items like turkeys and hams, the acts of gift-giving, certain expressions, such as "eat, drink and be merry", various songs, and various fictional characters (Santa Claus, reindeer on a sleigh). There are some aspects of this commercialisation that I appreciate, such as the gift-giving or some of the songs, as these reflect the celebratory nature of the occasion. I'm not too sure about that particular expression, or the fictional constructs though. Because Christmas should not just be about celebration of an individual's or group's comfort with regards to eating or drinking - it should be a celebration that reflects Jesus' birth. 34 (I think) years later, he would die for all our sins - and in these 34 years, he would change the world in many ways. I can't appreciate the fictional characters, because other than taking away from the real meaning of the celebration, they also can't (technically) exist. I remember reading an article on physics saying that the existence of Santa Claus is impossible, assuming that he covers the whole globe - even if he is able to take advantage of the time difference by travelling east to west, because his reindeer and sleigh would vaporise at the speed he needed to go at or something, assuming he spent just 1 second delivering his presents to children only... and as we know, children aren't the only ones receiving presents at Christmas.
Combining the two topics I have just discussed, there are some people whom I will definitely need to thank - people who have helped me focus and remain faithful in my walk with God. I need to thank Russell for being willing to talk with me for quite long about various issues I had, especially during the last 2 weeks of school, as well as Sam Chan, for helping me out during the exam period and reminding me to focus on God even during the exams. It is really nice to know that I have friends like that =)
Also need to thank Isaac, Danyee, Shaun, Hsieh Wen, Juzzie, Jonas and pretty much everyone who came for the prayer group meetings on the morning of the exams.
OK. I think I'm done, and though I have a headache I feel good for thinking through all that stuff. Hopefully, I have learnt quite a bit from this experience. It is now 1413... 2 hours 43 minutes. I'm going to do a word count on this post. It's 5,153... that's seriously insanely long even for someone like me.
when the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with you above the storm
Father You are king above the flood
I will be still, know You are God
jk
