background

I'm not one who likes big groups, I must say. In fact, most of the time I prefer to be working alone, or in groups of 2 or 3. The same applies even to conversations and parties - in pretty much all cases where I have two friends A and B, I'd rather spend 30 minutes talking to A in a one-on-one setting and then 30 minutes talking to B in a one-on-one setting, rather than 60 minutes talking to A and B together.

I guess the nature of the conversation shifts as groups seem to become smaller. I wouldn't talk much about my personal life in a big group; even in a smaller group, with say 4 people, if I don't know even one of them very well I'd be unlikely to bring it up, I'd say. Hence, I think it isn't unreasonable to establish that conversation shifts towards a less personal, less "serious" tone as group sizes increase. It's quite rare, though not non-existent, that I find myself in groups of 4 or even 3 talking about real, significant problems (of an emotional/spiritual sense, not in the logical/academic sense).

Very often, when in a big group, I've noticed I have a tendency to pick out one person or a small group of people, and talk to them specifically. This happened quite interestingly on several occasions - during the Primer's Parade held before the CNY break, a random bus ride home earlier that week, even the Primer's Challenge last year. This is somewhat linked to the idea that I'm an introverted person, though not without my needs for social interaction; a group of 7 is by my standards large already. Sometimes even six or five fall under this "categorisation" if I feel it fits there, or I'm in a more solitary/emo mood. That said, most of the time I'm quite open to groups of two (ie one-on-one) or three...

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Missed the bus today. Not just any ordinary bus. 6.14 people would know what I mean. =(

jk.

examples and samples

"Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in life, in love, in faith and in purity."
-- 1st Timothy 4:12

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One thing I've been doing for the past few days, or actually for quite a while already, I would think, would be to aim to set an example for others, whether this be in schoolwork or wherever else. This is probably not a product of knowing of the existence of this verse; it's just that this verse came to mind quite strongly today.

I would be inclined to say that to some extent there are areas where I've been trying hard, and if the impressions I've received from Mr Dumortier and Mr Eric Wee are being interpreted correctly, to some extent I might be partially succeeding. Still something just feels rather exasperating about all of this business... What I mean by exasperating is that the reactions I get seem to evoke some degree of queer estrangement. I guess this is to some extent natural yet estrangement distances myself from what should be my purposes in aiming to set an example.

I'm not sure why. Perhaps I'm just going about it for the wrong reasons (personal glory, pride, who knows) rather than because I really want to possibly exhibit some form of a positive influence on the lives of others, or because I want to truly glorify God. I'm not one to be inclined to believe that it is completely wrong to try and influence others... However doing so for the wrong reasons certainly isn't a good thing. So maybe it might be right that I'm getting the non-reactions I'm getting.

There was a day, a few weeks ago, where I stayed behind after school to talk to a close friend. It might seem a bit unusual, but I asked him what about me striked him the most, as a person in general. He said that I have the ability to focus when I want to... Seems somewhat true, thinking about it, yet there are times when I think this focus can be misguiding me, like what is going on presently.

Life, love, faith and purity. In my case, I guess that translates to general conduct, relationships and spiritual conduct as well (for the last two). I figure that as much as I think that I can do a reasonable job in some of these areas, I also need to realise that I still have a lot to learn. I should still be doing my best in these areas, and consequently hopefully in some way setting an example for others...

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jk.

white noise, black noise

serious discussion, walk away, walk back -
integrate sin four x dx, bio IA, physics IA.
2 by 2s, 3 by 2s, 36 seconds -

appearances and reality.
2, 4, 6, 8, 10, 12, confirmation bias. recognised.
unwritten laughs, 10 beats 9, queen beats jack...

regimentation/respect of communication -
allegiance, labelling, intelligence...?
wrong point, try another checkpoint. unreverse psychology, even degrees -

temptation, greed, gluttony, two chocolates -
guitarist, silent melody of refreshment.
philosophy, pessimism, perfectionism -

dissolution to recreation, find d crotchet d x.
sitting on rocks, more anecdotes of life -
group shot, back row, concealment, fade.

regrouping, silence, dissonance -
warmness, coldness, analogy.
punishment of the serious and the focused -

I realised an emotion that bears yields a deep sense of happiness is one of connection.

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jk.

Integration by Substitution

I've been feeling very tired these days. I guess I've been drifting around somewhat as far as spiritual issues are concerned too. Not good.

I did loads of Integration by Substitution today. Worksheet 3 is loaded with hard problems; I cleared all but the final one of 5 and another random one in question 5 today.

I just feel some degree of uncertainty... I don't know why. I may be applying myself too hard in the wrong direction.

jk.

under influences

I think work has influenced me.

SHAUNLEE: Hey are you going with the rest of them to watch Ponyo?
JK: Huh? What's Ponyo?
SHAUNLEE: Some fish movie...
JK: Well I haven't really been keeping up with the movies.
SHAUNLEE: About half the GEPs are going down.
JK: When's it?
SHAUNLEE: Today. Some of them are going, we can join them after Primers' Council.
JK: Nah, I've got World Lit to work on.
SHAUNLEE: Me too, I have work to do.
JK: However, if it was La Casa de Bernarda Alba, I'd go.
JK: That's one of the plays which I wouldn't mind sitting down and watching, even if it was movie form.

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Primers' Council was rather... weird. I was a bit surprised by the way the promotions were issued, and I wasn't the only one. I was going to query the validity of the attendance statistics; yet, I knew that there was a possibility that I would be excluded since I did not attend LDC, and Shaun Lee and Tim Liang who were with me in Korea (Scholars' Cup) also did not. But Shaun Ong who also went received a promotion; I was somewhat suspicious. At least I checked and cleared up some of it...

Speech for logistics comm went well; I was really concerned as to whether my speech would pass, but I guess it did. I felt rather uneasy though, cause I'm quite used to a rather formal style that stood out; this was exacerbated due to juxtaposition with the other speeches.

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jk.

a step on the way

i guess i'm safe...

thanks to ms lim chiou yann, mdm loo shek kien and mdm chen li, and of course my chinese tutor mr siaw who have helped me along the way, in a direct way.

and also those in a more indirect way. thanks for all the people that asked me whether i did okay or not - i can remember isaac, russell, henry, levin, jonny, junyi, junming, sharry, among others. i know it may seem pretty obvious that i'd get a 7 sometimes, but still i was pretty nervous because the consequences of hitting a 6 are pretty heavy, as small as the chance might have been.

on a random note this brought back memories of something a few years back - the release of the gce o level chinese results in yr 4. thanks to henry and louis for helping me along back then.

jk.

as bread that is broken

As bread that is broken, use our lives
As wine that is poured out, a willing sacrifice;
Empower us Father, to share the love of Christ
As bread that is broken, Lord, use our lives.

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The parade today had a special occasion attached to it, one might say; it was a handing-over of captaincy parade; given that Mr Jonathan Ng has been there for 12 years, it's the first one for many of us...

In many ways, Mr Ng was a person whom I've developed some sort of respect for; a major contributing factor to this was, as many people mentioned in the tribute video for him, passion for BB.

I did Programmes for LDC 2 this year, and the rule that I was informed about - "no 'formal' items later than 2230 (or was it 2330? not sure)", while causing me to cramp programmes somewhat and even to bump the reveille time from 0630 to 0530 to compensate accordingly, it does reflect the extent to which he cares about the welfare of the Boys... Thinking a bit about it, I realised that it wasn't right to bump the time; playing the system in this way would mean losing out on the greater aim that Sir had with regards to this.

As another point, Sir mentioned during his closing address that one of his strengths was leading Bible Study; he considered himself "an unlikely Captain" due to, as he claimed, his lacking of some of the traits stereotypical or traditional Captains might exhibit. I would be inclined to agree quite strongly as far as Bible Study is concerned... The sessions that I do remember were meaningful.

To end, I will quote something Sir said; it's something I really agree with.

Each generation must find Christ for themselves.

jk.

missing power

apparently i won the comp science academic award. wasn't expecting anything anyways. unfortunately couldn't compete with shaunlee, but i guess i was somewhat slacking off last year anyways -.-

i've always wondered if to some extent i'm a bit "different" from a lot of people. a while back, i watched a bunch of youtube videos on the game persona 3, and the "date sequences" with this character called elizabeth are something i can identify with to a small extent. of course, the imaginary character is far dramatised beyond myself; yet, there are also times where i do feel to some extent out of place.

i was doing a bit of studying on paddyclarke this afternoon, and while i guess it is true that i do not remember very much about my childhood prior to the point where i turned about 15-16 or so, quite a number of the experiences depicted by the narrator leave me in a sense of awkwardness and even distancing; i guess the studying is what made me think about this.

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the beginning of a new year (well, somewhat late typing this, but...). i remember discussing with a friend a few days ago about what had changed from yr 4 to yr 5, in a somewhat reflective way. now, looking forward, i can't foresee that many changes from yr 5 to yr 6, except hopefully i'll be able to return to my more hardworking yr 4 days, where studying for 2-3 hours straight after coming home from school, even if this is at like 5 to 6 pm, is not a problem. study habits and personalities are probably going to change somewhat for me...

another lesser change would be the loss of direct usage of a bridge between the two blocks; that said, i only need to cross to 6.8; the rest of my classes are on the pt 14 side of the block.

hls and econs better get 7; english 6 is tolerable but a 7 would be greatly desired as well. for some reason the econs 7 seems to keep eluding me, whether due to generally falling short of it (mid years) or a colossal mistake in one section of the paper (end years). hl 7s are pretty secure; english is problematic cause its way too inconsistent. honestly my average commentary is a 6. but i really want to get a 7... which happens rarely, once in a while.

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a random quote from class this morning.
"in this world, there are 3 kinds of genius.
the one who is very very smart, like jarrel seah,
the one who is very very hardworking, like shaun lee
and the one who is somewhat of both, like *points at me*"
- jonny

i feel good to be the 3rd type. cause i wont feel guilty for not working yet i wont deal too much with the sickening pressure of working too much! haha =) but better not be complacent either............

ive sort of felt this way quite a bit especially last year.

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on a side note,




argh. too much touhou. seriously... laugh at the bombs used 46, but a 1cc is still a 1cc. i think i finished 0/x where x is like 2 or so. so yeah... done using SakuyaA.

jk