Expectation

this is bad. i'm expecting stuff out of others that i'm not too sure i even have myself.

discipline, responsibility. i don't even have these traits yet i expect them out of others.

had a conversation yesterday with a friend; one topic we discussed about was motivation and profit incentive. if something doesn't give us adequate motivation, we won't do it, or at least put in a reasonable amount of effort. i don't know why i typed this out, but it's on my mind now...

it's wrong. in so many ways...
jk.

demystify

Results are back and I did ok. I won't say too much. Ok, can do better, you know, the usual stuff.

HLs awesome, SLs a letdown. Overall still fine.

Apparently the Logistics Com policy paper was set as a model paper for other committees to follow. I feel good, but also a bit... uncomfortable. There's still room for improvement.

jk.

crossroads.

results will be out on friday. and as much as i initially wasn't too worried, i'm starting to get rather... concerned. won't say worried, it's not that bad.

honestly, i don't think i want to say too much, especially given the environment of people failing subjects, geog's highest being a 68, chemistry killing off a lot of peoples' hopes, weird mean subject grades and all.

i think my hls will be fine, but not my sls. hopefully i can pull some 7/7/7/5/6/7 for a 39 if i'm lucky. cause larts (which might be 4 or even 3) and chinese (HOPEFULLY at least 6) are quite screwed.

this brings me back to something i've wanted to write about for a while. what do we mean when we say we tried or did our best? because how do we know what our best is. many times, if we consider our best with specific relevance to the task it is often possible that we could have done more, and done better. but, at least for me, i don't think i will every really know.

a while back, i got a 59 out of 60 for a math test. can i say i did my best, knowing that i could have gotten a 60? the same applies for many things for me...

today was a reasonably good day. tiring, but good. i had a conversation about life with someone whom i didn't really expect to have one with. but it was good. it's nice, for me, to know that there are people out there who are concerned with their, and my, spiritual lives. for i find that many times in this fast-paced lifestyle i forget God, and QT sometimes becomes routine even.

but i was reminded of something. during chinese tuition tonight, i noticed there was an extra piece of foolscap paper in my ke ben for some reason. on the front side, it had some mathematical working on it, with a cubic graph and some calculus thing. then i flipped it over. i don't know why, but i saw that in the past i wrote almost randomly in the centre of the page (with underlining):

Give us clean hands, give us pure hearts
Let us not lift our souls to another

that's something for me to remember.

jk.

silent melody

In church today, the pianist played a song during the time allocated to silent prayer that reminded me of some things.

Things in the past; things yet unseen
Wishes and dreams that are yet to come true
All of my hopes, all of my plans
My heart and my hands
They're lifted to You

Lord I offer my life to You
Everything I've been through; use it for Your glory
Lord I offer my days to You
Lifting my praise to You, as a pleasing sacrifice
Lord I offer you my life.

Surrendering everything to God isn't easy. The way I see it, for me it'd really be nice if I could, but there are many things holding me back.

the limit

im really tired. and telling me i wrote large paragraphs of nothingness isn't going to help.

a detached outlook i can throw on sometimes helps. but not this time.

combined with recurring stress of... other things. i won't say them here, too personal. but other things.

been having a bunch of bad dreams recently. probably to some extent reflects the fear and insecurity i'm experiencing now.

so as again, like always, there's something in which i've gone wrong.

jk.

caesura.

so.

Comp Science: decent stuff. not good not bad. what can i say.
good/ok/bad/fail: 0/6/3/1 was it? i think so. not sure.

---

exams have ended. which is a very ok-ish thing, not good not bad. exam period is different in many ways. i work differently, interact with people differently, and maybe even think differently during an exam period. i prepare schedules that i stick to, unlike in a 'normal term-time' situation. so exams throw some sense of discipline into my life. yet, they're also a source of lots of stress especially because i know i want to do well. still, exams are a blessing; a different type of lifestyle that's out there to be enjoyed. not all the time i guess, but once in a while.

jk.