Transparency

AINERS + INSERT = RETAINS. it actually works. its not that hard to solve actually (you can confirm two of the values right off the start)

ok now ive got that off myself,
a particular comment in class today struck me.
and it seems to apply to my life quite a bit.
"i'm too thin to be noticed" - mdm sandra sim
now you may be thinking, what i am talking about
clearly i'm not too thin to be noticed
but the thing is that's in the physical dimension
consider the... social dimension?

its really quite depressing. i remember when i was younger
one of my idealistic goals was something like
make a positive difference in each of my friends' lives
but this year i realised: i don't even have many a few friends.
hmm maybe its more realistic after all

what is a friend?
one you can joke with? one you can trust? one you can admire?
one whom you feel appreciates you for who you are?
some combination of them?
i know, my definition might be strict - [2], [4] and other things too
but i believe that its pretty much only in that that i can find a friend.
and yet now, what i thought i have may even be evaporating
disappearing into an infinite void, a black hole, whatever.

which is why over the past 2 years ive been thinking a lot
came up with several major questions that really scared me
now ive come to a personal conclusion that well
the whole nature of 'friendship' might be a facade
why? like louis said

"...we can no longer tell each other what we really feel
what we really want
what we really need
we can only keep it in our hearts
and move on
until all of us are indeed lonely souls
involved in many friendship of convenience
friendship of deceit
we tweak ourself
to suit what others think is acceptable"

what do you think? to me it seems true
even in some people who i would consider friends -
i can see the inherent contradictions
between what they tell me privately
and what they show in public
and sometimes i don't even know which view to accept
also with regard to myself
i realised that there are alot of things that i wouldn't do if i didn't "tweak (my)self"
like taking up the guitar, studying java programming, even writing a blog

so...
making a difference? well that's not difficult
but making a significant difference? that's not easy
thats why ive asked myself before
would life be notably different for (x) if i had not existed?
some people have told me yes before
yet the question itself, if actually asked is rhetorical
and then yet some people say yes
but in actuality it seems like no

i remember last yr in sec 3, we did "i am" from poems deep and dangerous.
mr quek got us to write a short "i am" poem, which i did
and the line which i liked the most from mine was still
"i am the glass pane. people don't look at me, but through me"
or something to that effect
i sometimes feel im often used but not recognised or appreciated
like say a stapler. we use the stapler how often, but it seems very rarely appreciated.
anyway i find the metaphor of glass beautiful

then the 'classic' problem situation happens quite a lot too
someone says he'll do something, but then fails to realise on it
it's so common, i wonder what has happened to a thing called 'responsibility' sometimes
i know that i myself am not that responsible
but still, i make an effort to remember. maybe you do and i dont know
but the frequency of your 'forgetfulness' makes it so hard to believe

in larts we're now studying hamlet - "emo" according to mdm suzanne yeo's son or something
and somehow in a way i empathise (sp?) with him
although his problems are compared to mine of course on a much larger scale

sometimes i wish i could just runaway from all this
but it won't happen. wishing that problems go away
it just won't solve them. they'll stay there
probably get even worse if unaddressed
so though it's painful
i've got to face them now.

jk