Phenolphthalein

Things are getting tough, I find. I've been falling sick recently, probably over work - physically and mentally I can handle it, but when I'm hit with an emotional issue things become much worse than normal "hits".

World Scholar's Cup is stressful, and so is school life yet I know much of this is self inflicted. For example, I briefly talked about one question in the econs test with Sam Chan - define ceteris paribus. It's 2 marks, and I didn't think "a Latin expression meaning all other things being equal" would be adequate for 2 marks. 1 definitely, but not 2. Perhaps I'm getting too cautious or afraid to lose out. It's reasonably well expressed by the Chinese expression 草木皆兵.

The very first results of the year are coming out, and while my results aren't bad I wonder what is good and what is bad? An absolute percentage like '67', '90' or '72' often bears little meaning (barring cases like '100' or '1' which could still possibly lack meaning, by the way...); conversely, relative measurement isn't always a good gauge (according to Hui Jun, in his class last year he got top with a '79.xx' but in 4.9 you'd need an '86' and in 4.10 you'd need to find some way to beat '84' still) because it's possible that the people you're comparing against might be 'good' or they might not be. I got a 19 for the Siddhartha KP1 commentary, which I could argue is 'bad' (usually for set texts I shouldn't get less than 21) but also seems 'good' (second in class with top person having 20). The problem with marks in the 60s and 70s, sometimes the 80s, and for Chinese B and Math, the low 90s is that often times they fall into a very ambiguous position. Are they good or bad?

Still, having masochistic tendencies sometimes when stressed I just throw myself into more stressful situations, consuming myself you could argue. I try effectively to enclose myself in stress, depression, or mathematics (there's a book on the Chinese olympiad I have that is pretty good). Escapism. Which I think is not a good thing.

I'd like to post something more structured. However, I'm tired, I don't have much time and for that matter sometimes just a couple of lines of random free verse can express a point much better than an entire structured essay.

i'm left behind. filled with a void in many ways.
yet it's only because i got left behind
did i have a chance to show myself.
and even though things didn't work out well
i know that i've learned something.
the lesson embodied in the words i couldn't find.
jk