time slipstream

There are several periods on the school timetable marked as "Break". The choice of word is rather unusual... I think "Recess" is a better term; because I spend 70% of my breaks doing work. The remaining 30% is spent eating or having a private meeting with friend(s) [typically 1] so... perhaps "Break" isn't quite the best word to use.

I talked to a relatively close friend on the phone today, a Scholar's Cup competition mate, and suddenly my brain felt better for seemingly no reason at all. It's still tired (thats what one week of mugging close to 800 pages of content and sleeping at 2-3 am does to you) but its better.

Academics are getting somewhat shaky because a lot of my scores are very borderline. I like the concept of borders in general, but its difficult to appreciate it sometimes when it presents a danger to you. And of course, I want 45 points (who doesn't?) so that places a great deal more pressure...

Despite all my complaints about mental headaches, I can say that the experience of World Scholar's Cup, despite bringing about such mental "anguish" (?) was more than worth it. Other than giving me a sense of satisfaction for my effort as well as getting to know my teammates Shaun and Timothy better, it was also, I believe, to some extent a display of God's control.

I was somewhat concerned about the debate section, though I breathed somewhat easier when I saw the rubrics (style 20, organisation 20, content 50) that we would be assessed on. Looking at the teams and resolutions, I was pretty confident of winning round 1, but not round 2. Still, it wasn't the debates specifically, but really many other things that just fell into place. The prayers we said before and after the debates, the Scholar's Quiz and the award ceremony were really answered.

As I've said before, I really never expected to win the Scholar's Cup team or individual prizes. I figured at the start of the competition that my team was lucky if we scraped a pass through to the World Finals - and, by God's grace, we did more than that. God has really showered my team and I with blessings for this Scholar's Cup, and I know that when the World Finals rolls about we will really do our best to glorify God through the competition.

The products of 2 days of last-minute mugging (especially last day):

• Overall Team Champions
• Overall Individual Champion
  
• Sub-Team Champion (ie guy with highest score within the team)
• Scholar's Challenge (MCQ Exam) Team 1st Place
• Scholar's Quiz (MCQ... Quiz?): Team 1st Place
• Debate: Team 2nd Place
  
• Literature: 3rd place
• Mathematics: 3rd place

jk

repressed.

im tired and still recovering from scholars cup.

half finished poem on scholars cup; half finished ldc programmes, half finished written commentary.

this week hopefully can be a break for me. cause my brain is really dazed. even now.

leaving everything hanging off like this

jk

we were the reason.

As little children we would dream of Christmas morn
Of all the gifts and toys we knew we’d find
But we never realized a baby born one blessed night
Gave us the greatest gift of our lives

We were the reason that He gave His life
We were the reason that He suffered and died
To a world that was lost He gave all He could give
To show us the reason to live

As the years went by we learned more about gifts
The giving of ourselves and what that means
On a dark and cloudy day a man hung crying in the rain
All because of love
All because of love

We were the reason that He gave His life
We were the reason that He suffered and died
To a world that was lost He gave all He could give
To show us the reason to live

I finally found the reason for living
It’s in giving every part of my heart to Him (every part to Him)
And all that I do every word that I say (you know I’ll be saying)
I’ll be giving my all just for Him, for Him (every thing for Him)

We are the reason that He gave His life
We are the reason that He suffered and died
To a world that was lost He gave all He could give
To show us the reason to live.
-- We Were the Reason, Avalon

Two main things for this post - Easter, and the Scholar's Cup...

Salvation in Jesus Christ is one thing I am quite amazed at, partly because we live in a world where hardly any "deals" as good as that are offered... Technically, I'm not sure but if I'm not mistaken, the atonement for our sins happened on Good Friday (we usually say Jesus died for our sins, not Jesus rose from the dead for our sins); Easter was to show that Jesus was truly God and had conquered death. I'm somewhat confused on this, still...

God really gave us all that He could give us, with regards to sin and salvation. In our world, if we commit crimes / offences, we (usually) have to pay for them in one way or another...

With regard to Scholar's Cup, what happened was truly amazing. I never expected to win like 7 prizes, including overall best individual and overall best team. I really didn't expect to do so well but I guess my "all-round" strategy paid off somewhat as I pushed through almost 800 pages of notes over the past 3 days.

I need to thank the following people for the Scholar's Cup success:

• of course, Shaun Ong and Tim Liang, my team-mates who studied, mugged and debated with me;
• the main competitors for me - Shaun Lee, Jarrel Seah, Jonathan Tan; as well as, indirectly, Levin Tan and Adwyn Chong, for making me push myself quite hard for this competition...
• Mr Andrew Wong for hosting this entire thing and having some confidence in me...
• Daniel Yee for understanding my reasons for changing teams;
• Russell Chan for understanding my reasons for changing teams as well as for wishing me luck before the competition this morning;
• Kevin Wong for helping out with the organization, as well as the rest of the helpers,
• the Organisers for making a successful albeit late competition;
• and lastly, God; for without Him none of all the achievements we made would have been possible.

jk

The Depended and The Dependent

Life often brings about lots of ambiguities, which often make me uncertain...

Over the past 2 days, I'd had 2 rather "tough" conversations with 2 close friends on a certain variety of issues. In one of them, I could consider myself the listener, the depended; listening to the other as he talked his perspective with regard to several things, mainly personal value out; yet, in the other, I was the talker, the complainer - essentially, the dependent, as I tried to search for some kind of security or support to grasp on to from the uncertainties of life - seeking a friend's perspective on myself both on a general as well as on a focused basis - as a friend, and as a Primer.

I think I'll end here. I don't want to go into too personal details, this being a public space and all. I wonder though - though I'm willing to listen to the stresses and complaints of friends, how much of this stress do I end up passing back to my friends (as a collective group)?

I've got to be thankful I have friends who don't mind listening to me even when I can be somewhat irrational at times. Interestingly, I am fine with listening to emo thoughts and rants. I've got to thank the 2 people whom I had the conversations with - they were somewhat "searching" experiences for me that have probably helped me along. Thanks! =)

"A man of many companions may come to ruin,
but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."
Proverbs 18:24 (thanks, Russell, for pointing this out!)

So basically, choose your close friends carefully - for they can, and will, have a large impact on your life. Having loads of acquaintances is well and fine I think - good for networking purposes - but ultimately, don't be so caught up in networking that you neglect to develop several stronger relationships.

jk.

silence

today after my chinese oral, which went ok-reasonably-well (ziyang is pro at bsing in chinese), i decided to walk along the bridge. so i asked laoshi to let me use the toilet, and went for a walk.

while i was walking on the bridge, a certain thought hit me that eventually manifested into a question that i raised at the council forum this afternoon. of course, it wasn't in that form at that point.

it was merely - how does one define friendship, and/or love?

direct definition of this kind of concept is extremely difficult. so i figured i'd try to establish some
ideas of factors that could point towards friendship.

i thought, and i scribbled in probably very bad handwriting on the exam pad that i was carrying:

1. commitment
2. responsibility
3. chemistry
4. bonding
5. respect

for me i know that i am a stickler for (1) and (2), especially (2). (5) is somewhat important for me as well... but technically i do know that eventually all will be necessary. in fact initially (3) and (4) are quite important, i'd find.

most of my friends are found through work - if i can call them friends, that is. if we define it based on the five criteria above, i'd find it hard to give a number of friends bigger than 5 or so. perhaps the 5 criteria are better for describing a close friend rather than just a friend.

so most of my friends are found through work. partly i've been lucky cause of who i've been getting to sit with in my classes (year 2 was henry, 3 and 4 isaac and russell, and this year, i like who i'm sitting with for physics, and sometimes math). starting from work, and then going into other areas.

but when i think of my friends and compare them with these 5 criteria i end up disappointing myself even though i know that probably only those who are close friends can actually fulfill all 5 of those requirements i wrote up on.

i won't go into love since i didn't really examine it properly.

anyway. now to the council forum. the question i asked was something like this:

"I have noticed that in quite a number of the campaigns people have argued for "love", "care", a personal touch or "friendship". I believe these are four very idealistic concepts. Given the large size of the student body, your resources won't be enough to allow a personal consideration for each and every student, which undermines the personal aspect of these 4 concepts. I know this is a hard question, but I think I'll just whack. It has been said that discretion is the better part of valour - how can I place my vote for a councilor if I can't trust that he won't blindly make promises he can't deliver on?"

a mouthful. admittedly it is a tough question. if asked this i won't know how to answer. then again, i don't think i'd be in this situation so much since if i was running for council i would focus more on service rather than personal touch.

the thought of running crossed my mind at one point, actually because isaac suggested that i run. but i knew there probably wasn't much point in running, cause there isn't much i can advertise about myself, other than that i can provide a reasonably serious voice in the council...

the highlight wasn't this or jarrel's question though, i think it was the last question really, or rather the last answer. it was, in its own awkward way, beautiful. ownage.

today during comp science i was really quite drained out. i don't know why, but it was the first time this year i've been having trouble with Java. i guess i might have been too sleepy this morning... i don't know.

ps. shaun, i miss your presence in class too. =)
jk

Sparks and Fires

It only takes a spark, to get a fire going;
And soon all those around, can warm up in its glowing,
That's how it is with God's love - once you've experienced it
You'll spread His love, to everyone
You'll want to pass it on...

Three main things over the past few days - Primers' Challenge, Leadership and Management Programme (LAMP) and the YDSP Science Congress. I'll mainly be talking about Primers' Challenge for tonight.

Primers' Challenge was really one of the best camps I ever went for and far exceeded my expectations. In terms of company, other than most of the 12(I) BB Boys (Shaun Lee didn't go...), I also enjoyed the company of the other Primers to quite a large extent. I managed to catch up with some friends I haven't quite had the time to talk to, like Juzzie, strengthened some of my bonds with the other Primers, notably Yi Wei and to some extent Sam Chan and Jonas, and of course found time to talk to my closer friends as well (for this trip, Russell and Hui Jun, arguably Tim Liang and Shaun Ong as well, though to a lesser extent).

Perhaps I'll do some kind of organised re-write on this.

Day 1
Lots of time spent on transportation, and perhaps playing Munchkin, Bridge or other card games on the bus. I got put in charge of the pretty nice dorm and was the key-bearer. After quite a lot of free-time, during which I witnessed the AQ people playing Texas Hold-em for push-ups, we had dinner and then set off for the Night Walk.

Night Walk was ok... a bit scary at times but quite beautiful in an abstract way. We came back and then I did a bit of follow-up with Russell with regards to the meeting we had the day before, then we had a short photo session that descended into a camwhoring session (actually, there were only 3 proper non-camwhore photos) followed by more card games and then sleep.

Day 2
The air conditioning was way too cold and I got up at 0430h. Of course there was no one out there at that time, so I did my reflections and QT after which it was about 0600. I went back to the room and started doing more writing... until suddenly I got shocked by Sam Chan asking what I was doing (it was 0645).

With regards to the activities, they were generally OK. Tent-pitching went fine, though I couldn't remember very much about how to pitch the dome tent other than assembling the poles and sticking them through the holes, and then lifting it up and sticking the ends of the poles into the ground. The cave was ok though I got rather dirty, and then we went for lunch and the 4-wheel drive.

The 4-wheel drive was one of the best parts of the camp for me - more particularly, the second run through. During the first run, I sat most of the way, however I decided to stand up for the second run for reasons I know not. Anyway, it was fun dodging the plants in the way, even when the rain became really hard, much like needles. Fortunately for me, Yi Wei was standing and dodging stuff with me, so I guess I wasn't too lonely.

The waterfall was quite nice even though the water was very cold. After taking some photos I decided to do some swimming and I guess it was fine. Not too much to say.

The second night was spent doing some preparation for the Night Special, which was to be a skit-musical of 7 minutes. It went fine. Debrief was quite interesting as I found out that I wasn't the only one making comparisons between philosophical and TOK-type ideas and the events we went through. Following that, we had to sleep early cause the next day's activities were going to be rough. At that point, I hardly knew that it wouldn't just be the official activities that were rough...

Day 3
For some reason, I kept getting up early during the Primers' Challenge. I got up at 0530 this morning, before my alarm even went off. I wasn't the only one awake - I met 1 guy in the toilet while washing up, and bumped into Russell on my way out (this was still before 6).

Playing bridge at 20 pushups per hand was asking for trouble, I think; though it worked out fine since I won all 3 hands that I played. Tai-ti at 4 pushups per card was a bad idea though since I'm generally weaker at Tai-ti than Bridge. I also remember playing Texas for push-ups as well and there was one crazy hand where we raised to 17 (we agreed on a limit of 20 per hand). I can't remember what Marc Lai had, but Bryan had a pair of Aces and I had three 10s. Suddenly Jonas flipped over his cards to reveal a flush - not something I expected, though I suspected the possibility. I only did about 25 or so for the entire session though.

White-water rafting. It was... quite ok. I guess there wasn't much "new", though it was my first time handling a 1-bladed paddle. The confidence test was relatively fun though I don't know why I was one of the first few to go for it.

Following that, paintball was ok though my group didn't have much of a strategy. I merely camped the whole way through both rounds, eventually getting shot close to the end of each round. Pretty uneventful.

The cooking "competition" was quite enjoyable though I found that I couldn't do much other than come up with weird ideas for dish names. The campfire, Night Special and final debrief was, as usual, pretty good, if a bit tiring. Xi Min's group's parody of Purple Light for the Primers' Challenge was really well done, I'd think. I was quite surprised that my group and group C (Xi Min's, Russell's and Yi Wei's) got joint top group based on the cooking and skit...

After the Night Special, I decided that I had to settle something pretty... painful with a close friend of mine. I guess I'll just leave it at that. Thanks a lot for listening. You know who you are.

Day 4
Pack up, no need to strike tents, leave. There really isn't too much for me to say with regards to Day 4. We did visit a Peanut Factory, though, at which I bought 2 packets of peanuts, and a mall at which I went to walk around, have lunch and shop with Tim Liang. Little to say, really...

I wrote some of this poem during the Primers' Challenge but decided that I'd finish it when I came home... so here's the completed version.

A Primer's Challenge
Taking this road today is by no means the easiest path.
I choose to take it now anyway, not because I need to.
It's not a blind choice, I know I can handle it.

I could just as well have waited -
for the water to fade to Level 1.
Then jumped in the raft and smoothly paddled -
To my destination, till my journey was done.

Past the river, I knew it'd be worse, though not by how much;
Rain like needles and bullets blew freely.
I did know one other thing though -
Driving through the forest that day wouldn't be easy.

For it wouldn't be simply in a protective shell -
I'd be voluntarily exposed. Open to fire;
From the plants left and right -
So why go now? Why walk this wire?

I could argue challenge - the desire to perform,
To achieve, to see our barriers undermined -
Yet what separates complete, plain blind stupidity
From making a decision that's not so blind?

Personally I believe it's resources -
In particular, relationships, making all the difference.
Looking both laterally and vertically,
I know it's these making that difference -

The last push that we sometimes all need,
Approaching our task, as Brothers and Friends;
Yet this alone can't always carry us through -
For the rest, on our God we depend.

More about LAMP when it properly ends, and YDSP tomorrow.

I wish for you my friend, this happiness that I've found
You can depend on Him, it matters not where you're bound
I'll shout it from the mountaintop, I want the world to know
The Lord of love has come to me,
I want to pass it on.

jk

sunset horizon

end of term 1.
pretty tough term for me, but hopefully things will ease up soon.
many things tested this term for me.

academics wise i guess i did ok. im happy about my tok essay. and im quite satisfied with my chinese b 85. though i can't say the same for my other subjects...

relationship wise was really messy but i'm happy that most of the stuff worked out in the end.

spiritual wise was also tough, and i guess i still have some difficulties but things are starting to look up...

must thank the following people. really grateful for all your help...
* disclaimer - this is a thanks post. i know some ppl aren't interested in this kind of stuff*

isaac for being there for me so much and being willing to listen to my rants at times, also helping me to check my logic and ideas i throw forth in each argument. i know i can produce really long and shaky logical arguments so thanks for tolerating all of my stuff at times. i know, it can be hard. but thanks. seriously.

russell for the weekly meetings, and for caring for my welfare at quite a few points in time this term. as i said its not easy for me to share, so thanks alot for listening even though i know you have a tough schedule yourself and all. as i said today the meetings might be short but they still give us chances to share our thoughts and feelings with regards to life. i also have to thank you for encouraging me in faith periodically. thanks! =)

shaun lee for being willing to stay up with me to suffer last-minute work together (policy paper), and being so willing to help with a lot of things for awards comm in BB. shaun ong for being cooperative with regards to world scholars' cup. tim liang for discussing many sociological theories and concepts with me as well as pushing world scholars' cup. daniel for... reassuring me of several things? a bit hard to say but i know i have to thank you. louis for being a reasonably good friend and watching out for me. hui jun for meeting me on several on the mornings as well as emoing with me quite a bit. sam chan for walking round the corridor with me and providing a seemingly mature perspective on things. ivan for providing a mature, Christ-centered perspective on things quite often. thanks for inviting me to the prayer group! :) henry for being a good friend and showing quite alot of confidence in me, as well as being willing to meet and talk during breaks to angst somewhat.

and i'll end off here. if i missed anyone i'm sorry. but know that i appreciated what you did for me.

jk.

failings

another angsty rant. short cause i'm tired.

tim liang said i'm a stalien (sp?) bond-maker in that i form a small circle of close friends and then consider many other people as just friends. yeah i guess so. but 'close friends'? how many can i even say i have? 0? 1? 3? who knows.

we discussed this in the primer room, and then we came up with an axis something like this:

--S----E----C----R--
--a--b-cd---------e--

where i am at a, tim liang's crush(?) is at b, shaun lee is at c, liang himself is at d.

yet sometimes i just feel lonely. loneliness can be both beautiful and sad i find. like dark chocolate. bitter, yet sometimes in its own way sweet. that i guess is one way in which i can consider a possible downfall of a person who sticks only to a few close friends - as much as they and you try, they can't be there for you always. furthermore i'm really not comfortable with sharing serious issues (relationships, emotional and/or spiritual) with people whom i don't consider close friends. so if they aren't there i bottle it up. then sadly what happens is the charged waste material ends up being thrown on someone. which i feel bad for, then i become guilty. which means more material...

im like a machine running out of battery and not getting much supplement. this calculator has been doing 7-by-1 multiplication, is trying out 7-by-2 and nCrs and is going to fall out soon. there are people whom i'd have to thank but then it'll feel empty thanking them now. if i do so i'll do so later on another time.

Spirit, touch Your church, stir the hearts of men
revive my soul, with Your passion once again
I want to care for others, like Jesus cared for me
so let Your reign fall on me.

jk