failings

another angsty rant. short cause i'm tired.

tim liang said i'm a stalien (sp?) bond-maker in that i form a small circle of close friends and then consider many other people as just friends. yeah i guess so. but 'close friends'? how many can i even say i have? 0? 1? 3? who knows.

we discussed this in the primer room, and then we came up with an axis something like this:

--S----E----C----R--
--a--b-cd---------e--

where i am at a, tim liang's crush(?) is at b, shaun lee is at c, liang himself is at d.

yet sometimes i just feel lonely. loneliness can be both beautiful and sad i find. like dark chocolate. bitter, yet sometimes in its own way sweet. that i guess is one way in which i can consider a possible downfall of a person who sticks only to a few close friends - as much as they and you try, they can't be there for you always. furthermore i'm really not comfortable with sharing serious issues (relationships, emotional and/or spiritual) with people whom i don't consider close friends. so if they aren't there i bottle it up. then sadly what happens is the charged waste material ends up being thrown on someone. which i feel bad for, then i become guilty. which means more material...

im like a machine running out of battery and not getting much supplement. this calculator has been doing 7-by-1 multiplication, is trying out 7-by-2 and nCrs and is going to fall out soon. there are people whom i'd have to thank but then it'll feel empty thanking them now. if i do so i'll do so later on another time.

Spirit, touch Your church, stir the hearts of men
revive my soul, with Your passion once again
I want to care for others, like Jesus cared for me
so let Your reign fall on me.

jk