evening star

two tests over the past week. one went reasonably well (physics), the other didn't (econs). i seriously think i am going to fail econs test. i got a definition incomplete (1 mark gone i think), and also couldn't answer the evaluation thingy (8 marks) properly. hopefully for physics i can actually pull out something decent, like maybe 34 or 35 of 40.

and for econs, mr dumortier is no longer teaching our sl3 class. because of one of the year 6 teachers leaving, he supposedly has to focus on helping out the year 6s. it's quite sad... he was really one of the best teachers i've ever had, actually; has very deep understanding of his concepts (including stuff outside syllabus), teaches quickly and effectively. in any case he left what i can say is an impression on me. a very positive one. :(

---

i need to seriously discipline myself more. have to light the fire within myself to actually be more proactive in my work and studies. cause right now how it feels is like i'm somewhat hanging on, barely. essentially, i'm just clearing out what needs to be done in the short term it seems i.e. 得过且过 and that is very. very. bad. i haven't done up my english a1 file, my chinese b file, CAS documentation, EE proposal... the list goes on. also i haven't been managing my work and assignments properly. although this one shares many similarities with last year. instead of filing stuff nicely into files, i have one general file (which is OK) and another home general file which consists of random bits of old work that i haven't bothered to file into the appropriate files, yet is so old that leaving it in my bag only adds to the mass already in it.

i talked to a close friend on the phone recently. and he said that himself and another mugger/friend used to represent 2 extremes - the one who gets by on virtue of effort and the other by virtue of his intellect. and i'm at neither extreme - according to him, in the middle. interestingly i find that im sliding (can't say backsliding) towards trying to get by with less effort. that need not be a bad thing, but if i push it too far, which i may or may not be doing now which is making me somewhat concerned, the consequences can and are likely to be quite bad.

cause honestly i know that my academic successes in the past are not based on raw talent alone. there was an element of effort that played somewhat of a big role as well, especially for subjects like geography and chemistry.

maybe my new subject combination has shifted me towards being a more slack person. in secondary school, the subjects which i didn't really focus very much on were actually math, physics and computer science. which are my three HLs now. the subjects which i used to invest quite a bit of effort in - chemistry, geography, language arts - now i take just one of them at standard level. so perhaps its subjects that is making me slacker. or its just that my schedule this year is more demanding than last year. so i need to conserve more power and slack more.

but really its probably just a lack of personal discipline. a problem that i need to overcome. rationalising it in the way ive done in the preceding bunch of paragraphs is somewhat like being like a bad worker blaming the tools that he is given.

in an academic context, its hard to imagine that time is flowing at this speed. it's already term 2 week 7. three more weeks and we have a 4 week pseudobreak which actually implies math competitions + mugging + more homework + EE preparation + CAS documentation + possibly i might go back to acsj for juniors camp (honestly i want to. but i dont know if time allows) + whatever other weird stuff... and then we have exams. which is a primary factor in contributing to why its a pseudobreak and not a break.

at this rate i will get by. i think. but not properly. where were the close-to-100 marks that used to characterise my math and science subjects? you can argue that its because its year 5. but seems not. people are still getting these kinds of marks, and i know that with enough effort and tenacity i should be able to get those marks again. with enough effort and tenacity.

quite a number of high expectations have been placed on me and sometimes it's just irritating to have to deal with them. a few people in my class offered me a bet: for my EE, if i get A then i treat them to drinks, else they dye their hair green. and there are people saying that i should be a future 45 pointer and all. which honestly i don't think i'll achieve because of lang arts. 43, 44 maybe. but no 45. of course i'll do my best. but i seriously think 45 is unlikely.

---

which makes me think. to me problems are very strange things. i don't want to face them yet sometimes i like them. because problems bring about a sense of familiarity and security in the sense that im used to facing streams of problems.

also i have some... spiritual problems. won't talk explicitly more about this here.

there's been a song that i've listened to a couple of times this week and i'm quite sure you've heard it before - "give us clean hands". that's something i want to have really. to have clean hands and a pure heart, essentially focusing on God, doing the right things, having the right thoughts and intentions. how difficult... especially in the pursuit of so many things in our daily lives, sometimes i really wonder if i'm "not lifting my soul to another" in a subconscious sense. getting caught up in things i guess.

it's based off these verses which i think i should share...
"[3] Who may ascend the hill of the Lord? Who may stand in his holy place?
[4] He who has clean hands and a pure heart, who does not lift up his soul to an idol, or swear by what is false."
(Psalm 24:3-4)

this is something i'll hopefully be able to learn how to have as time passes on.

jk

wednesdays.

I'm not particularly looking forward to my schedule on Wednesdays from now on, it seems.

0730 - 1440 School
[the problem is, on week B, this ends with 8 periods of Maths. Week A is better, but there will always be the looming task of a physics IA.]

1500 - 1700 Physics Olympiad Training
[total brain damage. form radial equations for the motion of snails! rawr]

1930 - 2130 Chinese Tuition
[i guess it's ok. but, especially on week Bs like today, my brain is totally fried.]

2150ish Call
[this is about just when i reach home! nice yes, but we're usually both tired out.]

---

Mock IOP is over. I guess I could have done better. My marks are fine, quite good I thought especially for such a rushed presentation, but leave something to be desired still. Highest in class (so far), tied with Carren, so I guess I can't complain too much. It's 4-7-8-4-23 (out of 30). Looks like I have to work on criterion B (duh), trying to push that to an 8 first. THEN go for the extreme band marks. To quote Mr Brian Ng when I asked him how a 23 is - "It's decent, but for your standard it's not good enough. You should be aiming for about, maybe, 27." Scary stuff.

I have to agree with this in part - at least to the extent that different people should set different targets for themselves, and respond differently to the same marks.

Firstly, to quote a friend of mine, "I got a 59 (out of 60, for a Math test). It sucks." To some of us, him included, given the difficulty of the test paper and the like, I think we would easily expect 60s, hence making us disappointed with a 59 (largely because the reasons for the loss of 1 mark are careless in nature). Yet, I'm sure that there would be many people who would be more than willing to take a 59, and receive it with joy.

Another example can be found on an acquaintance's blog - "only getting a MEASLY 22/30 (for IOP) which was pretty disappointing for me." Bearing in mind that Adwyn did mention that he was considering an English EE on his blog, I would guess that it's reasonable for him to think that 22 would be bad - especially in this case, quite a few people would be disappointed with a 22 - more so than the Math Test case. Then again, I don't think I'd be too unhappy with a 22, though I wouldn't be satisfied either...

But yep. I agree that different people should set different targets for themselves, and respond differently to the same marks.

---

The LKY interview yesterday was surprisingly relaxed. I talked much and was queried much about World Scholar's Cup, the merits of the IB programme, and computer studies. Interestingly, they asked me about the NUS Singapore International Math Challenge, a mathematics competition in which one section is mathematical modelling! (IB IA-style, except much crazier, from what I see)

Not too much to say, other than I had to wait quite a bit. I was 2nd after the tea break though. Hopefully that was a good thing...

---

Many thoughts on my mind right now, and my brain is quite fried too.

jk.

when the tears fall.

today, i got somewhat angry with someone over the phone.

usually, when people (including myself) get angry with people, typically there is some kind of a reason. it can be what i think is a reasonable reason (e.g. the person stole something from you), an unreasonable reason (e.g. i don't like his face) and, of course, there are countless possibilities between the two extrema.

now. here lies the problem. i got angry with the person over what i believed to be an irresponsibility on his part, and as far as that is concerned i believe that my "scolding" was justified, for two reasons - firstly, because it was an attempt to reduce the incidence of such things, and secondly, because i felt i would feel better opening up than not doing so. i know that when i become angry i have a habit of taking a 'just whack' attitude, which can be very dangerous. consequently, i also knew that i had to temper my anger somewhat because it rarely happens, with this person in particular, and also because he is a reasonably good friend to me, and a single incident like this is not worth staking and/or losing a friendship for.

so as far as the scolding is concerned i think things are ok, and yeah. its pretty much settled.

but. another question arises out of this.

i know ive probably expressed this emotion somewhere or another, here or in normal conversation or in writing elsewhere. but is it right for one to admonish, to scold another if one himself is guilty of the same flaw? to inform i think is ok. but to scold?

naturally this makes me think of the Bible - if one has a plank in his own eye, he should not comment with regards to the speck of sawdust in another's eye. so for the example used above, the 'flaw' is irresponsibility. am i responsible? probably not very. somewhat. but not very.

then again, how do we draw the boundary lines? do we base it on what others do? (appeal to common practice?!) or on what we feel is right? or what?

---

econs video finals was over. yeah and expected my team got 6th. the 2.5 hours of effort or so that we put in is probably way less than the other groups (notably Louis's donuts and the Survivor one) and our group just cleared it as 'another piece of homework'... oh well. the other videos were good though. inflation in zimbabwe was good; donuts was good; big store vs small stores, the winning one, i felt wasn't as strong in editing and postprocessing, but had good actors and a nice concept. organic food was a reasonably good topic, and survivor was... interesting, if anything. $8 does have its uses i guess.

for the quiz got tied 1st though. yays! reminded me of world scholar's cup. oh the adrenaline rush of answering MCQ in short time limits. and got a lot of toblerone which i guess i'll be bringing around and sharing over the course of monday.

bingei and luke sang a song on economics. and they were good, especially luke. my congrats go out to them, both for skill as well as for daring to take on this kind of task. seriously singing r&b songs on economics is... a bit weird.

---

this is a beautiful song i've found over the weekend. i think it is quite applicable to me, as well as to many other Christians out there...

I've had questions without answers
I've known sorrow, I have known pain
But there's one thing that I cling to
You are faithful, Jesus You're true

When hope is lost, I call You Saviour
When pain surrounds, I call You Healer
When silence falls, You'll be the song within my heart

In the lone hour of my sorrow
Through the darkest night of my soul
You surround me, You sustain me
My defender for ever more

When hope is lost, I call You Saviour
When pain surrounds, I call You Healer
When silence falls, You'll be the song within my heart

And I will praise You, I will praise You
When the tears fall, still I will sing to You
I will praise You, Jesus praise You
Through the suffering, still I will sing to You

When hope is lost, I call You Saviour
When pain surrounds, I call You Healer
When silence falls, You'll be the song within my heart

I will praise You, I will praise You
When the tears fall, still I will sing to you
I will praise You, Jesus I will praise You
Through the suffering, still I will sing to you

When the laughter fails to comfort
When my heart aches, Lord You'll be there
When confusion is all around me
And the darkness is my closest friend
Still I'll praise You
Jesus, I'll praise You.
- "When the Tears Fall", Tim Hughes.

jk.

irresponsibility.

crap. this is the first time something like this has happened for me.

when i reached home at about 6-ish, i slept at 7.30 pm figuring I'd get up at possibly 9 or 10 to do some work before sleeping by 12.

i guess the time of this post should tell you something.

im somewhat sick still, and apparently, as i found out yesterday morning, im not the only one. sometimes i wonder if both him and myself are overworking ourselves. then again, there are people who work harder that me that don't seem to be very much affected by this problem.

some people just seem to have stronger immune systems, i guess...

grr. i know i need to do some work yet i'm not doing it. right now my brain is not functioning properly and i just want to go back to sleep. which is not good.

still somehow despite becoming more of a slacker this year, ive come somewhat to accept this demanding yet enjoyable schedule that i have. basically my schedule "ends" at a different time each day. usually its the time when i first come home. but not always.

mon - 6
tues - 5.30
wed - 9.45
thurs - 7.45
fri - 10.30
sat - 3 or 8 (BB activities after parade? EG MCYC)
sun - 3.

ok. now. back to studying comp science and preparing for EE meeting on friday...

jk

when silence falls

Enrolment yesterday was a decent experience, though now I'm somewhat sick possibly because of marching/practicing in somewhat wet conditions.

I managed to meet several people I wouldn't ordinarily meet - two Officers who were my seniors when I was in sec 1, whom I haven't seen for quite a while; several of the boys I trained in Juniors last year (both the P6 --> S1s as well as those still in primary school) who, for some reason, can still recognise me. They also asked about Bingei - in fact, one of them wanted to look for him. It was quite sad that I had to disappoint him with the answer that he wasn't at the Service. I also managed to talk to Mr Wong (the Juniors captain) for a while, who apparently hasn't got his replacement Junior NCOs yet.

The parade went OK though I think I may have made one or two random mistakes with my hands slipping when standing senang diri. Service was a good experience though, with many "traditional" (?) BB songs, as well as the Company Theme Song. Also, about 20 of us or so got the Long Service Badge plus about 7 Barker boys (the original size was "35, congruent to 11 modulo 12" but not everyone came).

Sadly I couldn't join the people going to Island Creamery after the parade. Had to rush off...

---

now im starting to wonder if what happened was really the best course of action. i was so happy about it then. i didnt know it'd cause so many problems.

still, that situation, and the present one, are both under God's control. i guess i need to learn to persevere and trust Him.

sometimes i wonder if it really should have happened or not. it seems good on the level of resume and achievement. yet if it tears us apart as friends, i'd rather it not happen.

jk.

a song

chapel today was in its own way beautiful.

i've blogged about "still" before, which we sang today and was really nice. but for me the song that struck me with the strongest impression was actually the simplest one i'd think.

the last verse of the song made me think. really.

I love Jesus; does He know?
Have I ever told Him so?
Jesus wants to hear me say;
That I love Jesus everyday.

of course He knows it, if we do love Him. but i think He wants us to proclaim it.

jk.

hands and spirits.

had a rather short yet thought-stimulating conversation with a friend today.

what do you do in a situation where you want to help but you know that you can't?

what do you do when you know you can't stay much longer yet you also know the other person may for one reason or another need your assistance?

jk.

fatigued

Displacement
Pushing downwards, against my inclination
Yet this is the course of action I've chosen to take;
Paths few have trod, trails few have walked -
In my eyes, they're there to take.

Some transverse standing waves form;
I know my efforts aren't going to waste.
Consequently, I keep going and going -
Forming more and more waves.

Finally, I stopped to take a break;
As magnified waves appeared and disappeared.
The weather was really too hot that day -
I wonder how through things I persevered.

The waves came back, reflected off somewhere.
The cool water splashed over me -
I felt a sense of relief,
Satisfied to some high degree.

But yet, I noticed, looking far in advance,
It wouldn't always be so.
For I could see the clouds above,
Beginning to merge and grow.

The rain fell much like bullets,
As the waves continued their motion.
Swirling, pushing,
Blazing a path devoid of emotion.

I knew that earlier I'd crossed the line;
Pushed and pushing too hard -
Yet "pain is weakness leaving the body".
I'll keep pushing, no matter how I'm scarred.
In conclusion to all of this,
I took this path expecting nothing but the least -
Yet, in it, found bliss.

today during physics i thought of a very strange metaphor for myself. yet i found it interesting.

we were studying interference patterns using a ripple tank. so i wondered. am i a dipper in a small ripple tank? the rationale for small is that the waves reflect back on me. in some ways it can be good that this happens (who would want to have their efforts totally unrecognised) but also bad in several ways (stress, headaches, etc). i want to push myself very hard even though i know that inside i want to slack as well. now that im somewhat feeling the pain of pushing (the reflected waves all coming back), i still find that pushing myself has become normal, a way of life that im starting to learn to somewhat appreciate.

i think that explains the poem above.

tired out.

my head hurts.

jk.