Breaking Spirit

长江后浪推前浪,世界新人换旧人.
(The people on earth are replaced, just as the later waves replace the earlier waves on the river.) - my poor translation

These 14 words in my Chinese B book stare me in the face. I feel like I've been flailing and failing this year, not getting much. I somehow feel my life is in a mess. My relationships, both vertical and lateral, don't seem to really be going anywhere (in general - of course there are some exceptions); as seen from today's Math Comp session, my Math is steadily weakening, and I'm starting to fall behind in studies. I wonder if I'm the 旧人,having burnt myself out in Sec 3 and 4, which were, both academically and on a relationship basis reasonably good years.

But you're not! Some of the things that have happened *THIS* year show that you're not just an "old" person who is on the brink of fading into obsolescence. You are still well ahead of the class in Physics! In economics! In mathematics, and computer science! You made it to the top three of the school's selection of their representative for the Lee Kuan Yew award for all-round excellence; your academics are like "how pro". I have confidence in you to get a Gold for Math Olympiad this year, even though it's Open. You shouldn't be doing the IB; you should be in an engineering course in a university. I'll be disappointed if you only get 45 points. You're in the running for the DSTA Physics Award and Lee Kuan Yew Math and Science award! Clearly, that reflects that you're not fading yet, at least.

Well, I can accept what's been said, and I have to thank you. Somehow, however, these things aren't going to give me something lasting, whether I get them or not - for such material possessions promote unhealthy desire for more. There's something else I need to solve, and I'm only going to be able to do it directly on my own. I guess what's been said has helped me though. There's still a long pathway to walk, and I know that I'll have to face a large part of it alone.

(In case you didn't know, the red section is based on encouragement I've received from many friends who've been so helpful in their own little way. While I might seem a bit cold at times, your little contributions have really helped me keep going. The "long path", of course, refers to my spiritual journey with God and the problems that I feel have arisen. I know it's difficult to help me there, but for some of you, notably Russell, Hui Jun and Juzzie, thanks a lot for your efforts. Thanks so much! *hug*)

On a lighter note, I'm going to be a special agent for BB company war games on Saturday. I've already prepared some pretty sadistic challenges; I'll describe the first one I thought of below, which should be familiar to people who watch the Kaiji anime. I thought a psychology game from Kaiji might make a reasonable choice. However, Gentei Janken aka restricted rock-paper-scissors is too messy to do, and Ningen Keiba or human horseracing is just asking for trouble. Hence, I chose the natural choice - E Card which only needs 10 small cards and a small table, really.

In E Card, there are 2 sides - the Emperor and the Slave side. Each side will receive one eponymous card, as well as 4 "Citizen" cards. Basically, the Emperor beats the Citizen, and the Citizen beats the Slave. 2 Citizens is a draw; however, the Slave kills the Emperor. In Kaiji, the titular character wagered distance to the destruction of his ear; of course, for this game, they will simply wager "gold" which they have earned. Their aim will to be get six points in six matches - a win as Emperor scores 1 point while a win as Slave scores 3. However, they must play at least 2 rounds as Emperor and at least 2 as Slave. It's a bit tough to describe so I'll leave it as this for now.

Honestly, I don't know the logic I used in the above post.

I'm tired.

how many times have I broken Your heart
but still You forgive, if only I ask
jk