ambiguity.

continuing from yesterday,

i find that so much is just not going the way i want it to this year, and though i know that the world as a whole doesn't have much of an incentive to follow what i want, i still feel somewhat disappointed and yet this itself is making me go in the way i don't want to.

with regards to academics, econs left me with a bitter taste. then came physics. and for that matter i think i screwed up math and chinese. comp science might do fine, and it's all not counted, but still. it's an ego deflation... and the problem is that my marks are all very ambiguous. if you get 32 its probably bad, if you get 97 its probably good, but what about 73 or 81? what to make of these??

im also not as on top of my work as i'd like to be, even though i never really was. there's so much work and documentation i need to do for CAS yet i'm typing this out and angsting about my lack of ability to do work. there's the physics worksheet due next week, chinese zhuowen due monday, etcetera... the problem is when i come back from a long day i just want to ANGST. and SLEEP. and... i dunno.

as i explained to russell and isaac, i'd like to be able to call myself busy. probably to delude myself into allowing myself to rest... but somehow i don't really feel that i can consider myself "busy". since i know that i can take more and still hang on...

currently my official/quasi-official days end at times like these:

monday 1640
tuesday 2000
wednesday 2130
thursday 1900
friday 2200
saturday 1430 or 1800
sunday 1200

but i know i can take more than that. i can probably take six 2100s - since i'm not stretching myself, can i really call myself busy? both said yes. which i guess made me consider the possibility of it being the answer, but i'm still really confused with regards to this.

ironically business? busyness? has probably boosted my work efficiency. like during yesterday's recess break, i had lunch with daniel yee, henry, sam chan and a couple of other people. what happened was something like this

*i eat a bit of chicken rice. usually i buy the economy rice instead but for wednesdays it's fried chicken and i like it*
*do physics*
*talk a bit*
*eat*
*physics*
*talk*
et cetera

so i finished 2.4 - Uniform Circular Motion during lunch. which makes me somewhat happy i guess. but still...

a couple of people whom i've been speaking to on the phone have commented that i sound exhausted when i call them (usually, about 2200 but it has been later before). somehow i think i still like the idea of being busy, partially cause i know i do have sadistic tendencies at times...

next, onto ccas. i sometimes do feel that even if i work hard i won't advance very much in the BB (lack of profit motive) because i don't have much of a reputation there. yet i do know that this can't be completely true seeing as i got placed as programmes com i/c for ldc, which shaun lee says is a very important role. i guess... he's right. since the activity comp ppl have to send me their stuff...

today we had drill practice. which was ok, except i made a mistake on the last wheel of the second round, by turning early. naturally the person in my file wasn't too happy (i hit him with an arm swing, and f = ma = d(mv)/dt = mdv/dt + vdm/dt = m dv/dt since dm/dt is negligible). it's my fault. which made me doubt my own drill skills. perhaps i shouldn't march on that day ("call in sick") if my drill sucks, yet i know that if i don't i'll feel that maybe 7-8ish hours of rehearsal was wasted.
so i'll march.

i haven't felt too good recently about maths comp. i'm very slow with questions (the whole team has trouble, but that's no excuse to not be able to do the questions) and also haven't been able to attend properly because of many little events (JAE Orientation Games, Rehearsal today)

there's more. relationships, spiritual development. but i think i'm done emoing for tonight.

what a pointless, aimless rant. as discussed in the tok lecture no matter how much i say i'll never be able to fully say what i mean to say merely via language...

i also need to thank many people. for a variety of reasons. but especially those whom i've discussed this angsty problem with, who've listened to my often meaningless and random-emo rants...

thanks to: russell, isaac, henry, sam chan, hui jun and tim liang.
also to: shaun lee, daniel yee, hsieh wen.

thanks.

it hasn't been the best of times i guess. but i'll be fine.
jk