Glass

I'm not sure if I've said it before, but anyway.

I think one of the best metaphors for representing me would be a glass pane.

Physically there, yet transparent.

So many other comparisons too.

It's just I'm not sure how I should express my thoughts.

jk

Lang Arts B gone wrong.

[jk] discordant soul says:
reasoning:
the 2 of them tried to get me to present today
WHY ME? note that I am below average in Lang Arts, not impressive.
I suspect both groups did not prepare anything and are trying to use it as a cover up.
Here's where you come in. I will claim that they saw my MSN name with [Doing LAB] (i really was yesterday) and hence chose to push it onto me. Obviously this needs witnesses.
Homework [LAB] says:
eek
ur reasoning is true
Homework [LAB] says:
but ur measures are...very manipulative
[jk] discordant soul says:
no serious. as in i really put doing lab yesterday on my msn
Homework [LAB] says:
i noe
Homework [LAB] says:
but they prob gathered that u had prepared sth fr elsewhere
[jk] discordant soul says:
nevermind, they assumed wrongly then
[jk] discordant soul says:
solo work of a guy who can barely break 16 on written commentaries + Jarrel, who isn't as bad as me but not PRO either. RIGHT.
[jk] discordant soul says:
note i am ESPECIALLY bad at unseen poetry
Homework [LAB] says:
in ur group, given the fact that klow is absent, jarrel and u are the two next best
[jk] discordant soul says:
yeah
[jk] discordant soul says:
but i SUCK for 3rd
Homework [LAB] says:
but i mean
Homework [LAB] says:
that's AW's problem
Homework [LAB] says:
group by index numbers
Homework [LAB] says:
very uneven
Homework [LAB] says:
but what if they haven't prepared anyth still?
Homework [LAB] says:
AW isn't that unreasonable
[jk] discordant soul says:
huh? what do you mean
Homework [LAB] says:
as in
Homework [LAB] says:
he won't force them to present impromptu
[jk] discordant soul says:
but then i can quote sir on his own words
"ALL groups are supposed to b ready at the same time as the 1st presentation"
Homework [LAB] says:
but so what
Homework [LAB] says:
he can't do anything u see
Homework [LAB] says:
it isn't graded
Homework [LAB] says:
at most he can reprimand them
Homework [LAB] says:
but i think he understand the fact that there workload now is huge
Homework [LAB] says:
so he won't be that unreasonable
[jk] discordant soul says:
and so my group's workload now is NOT huge. >_>
Homework [LAB] says:
no
Homework [LAB] says:
but by the sole virtue that u did prepare sth
Homework [LAB] says:
then u might as well present fr AW's pov
[jk] discordant soul says:
interesting. right.
[jk] discordant soul says:
cause... i can tell its not random that A/B 'nominated' me
[jk] discordant soul says:
btw did you catch who said it? cause russell said he wasn't too sure when i asked him
Homework [LAB] says:
B told A, then A told sir
[jk] discordant soul says:
ok.

I think you know who you are. Come on, I'm not THAT stupid. >_>
I know your homework load is heavy. Like mine isn't.
But come on. If you're going to try and mess around with people like that, trying to manipulate them for self-protection, you chose the wrong person.
And more than that, it also reveals something about your character.
I mean, would you even think of being a 'normal' 'friend' with someone even after you know the person treats you as a resource, a lump of meat, a tool?

maybe it's in areas like these where you mature socially?
i think 2 years ago i wouldn't have seen this pattern?
yet to me now, it's pretty obvious. in fact sometimes i overassume.
maybe i've shifted from ren xing ben shan to ren xing ben pin and now to ren xing ben e
i dunno...

anyway
thanks hsiehwen and russell for helping me with that
and danyee, for reassuring me and comforting me after the presentation. thanks alot. you guys really helped <3

also, to sam chan
i thought about what you said after the ioc briefing today.
you do have a really special gift, maybe it's just not realised yet.
as in, i'm sure of that (that you have a gift).
i agree with what you said. i think you should pray about it.
God will reveal it to you when the time comes.
so don't worry. =)

jk

Superlativeness

I thought of this question on the way home today. How do we judge people as 'very', 'extremely', 'reasonably' good, 'pro', 'excellent' etc.? Having reflected on lang arts and pod and what i've done in the past, nowadays I tend to avoid superlatives or even strong words like 'extremely'. For example, if you look at my ratings for the chinese yuedubiji, all are between 2 to 4 - there are strictly no 1s and 5s.

I wonder why.
Detachment.
Headaches.
Confusion w.r.t. Identity.
what?

Screwed up Australian Math Comp today. I think I'll get at least 25 marks deducted.

Sometimes I feel out of control of myself. I say I'll do something and yet I'll do another. I say "I'll finish 10 Chinese article reviews by the weekend" and I am content with 8, trying to rationalise it away by saying "you've done alot, and there's still time." Sometimes my moral conscience ingrates into me like crazy when it comes to certain situations - react pragmatically or ethically? The Geog students will know. I remember someone said that Mdm Sandra Sim "won't mind" if we (purposely) go late to the comp labs, and I know that seems to be true, but morally... it's just not right. Then again, going off ahead by myself, for some reason, isn't easy. More often than not, it seems just 'easier' to stay with the group.

Juzzie mentioned something about some difficulty he faced in his walk with God on his blog. Reading that did set me thinking about myself. What am I doing with the life God has given me? Have I been acting as I should? Why do I occasionally doubt His existence?

There's a piece of imagery that I'd like to share. Imagine yourself quietly sitting on a jetty, with the moon giving off a strange, dim light and the stars being relatively spaced out. Imagine external silence. Imagine you're all alone. Your legs dangle into the cool, refreshing water as you lie down to sleep, knowing that you're protected from exterior harm. Imagine, for a moment, that you could stay there forever.

I think I need the will; the strength to do what's right for God. Although there are quite a number of situations where I myself am confused about what's "right", there are some where I'm quite sure of what should be done, and as hard as it might be, I will need the strength to change myself for Him.

Please pray for me.

jk

Geographical Traces

I sort-of went out with a group of friends after school today; but not for relaxation - instead, to do a Geography project (collecting data for urban field studies). Some of the reactions that ensued were rather... interesting.

Having to deal with a *cancelled* computer studies lesson, I was only able to make it down late. Samuel told me to meet him, Russell and Isaac at the fountain outside Takashimaya; they had already completed the surveying for Paragon. When he said it, I quickly thought of two possible reasons why he said there -

(1) Easy place to meet; but not likely because to get there from the carpark entrance/drop-off area requires crossing the whole of Takashimaya, so...
(2) Old Chang Kee. And indeed, when I met them there, they were queuing up to buy stuff.

There were many other things that were said that I can't remember now. I should be going to sleep soon anyway.

Before I go, I should say thanks to Ellius, who just left for the USA this morning. I know that at most, I've been an acquaintance as I've only gotten to sort-of know you properly this year due to CmPS. But in any case, the memories of this year's CmPS were relatively nice. God Bless!
(PS If you want the CmPS photos, just MSN me)

jk

Inertia

This post has to do with homework, actually. The weird thing is that there is a lack of motivation for me to be productive despite the like 14 unfinished things that I copy over to the next day every morning, mostly because most of them are due a while off, and for some of them, like A Math Misc Ex 21, I think I can get rid of them relatively quickly when they're needed.

In some way this reminds me of the Hegelian synthesis theory (I can't remember what it's called, but basically.... Thesis + Antithesis = Synthesis --> Thesis II, Thesis II + Antithesis II = Synthesis II etc) The first thesis is the drive to do ALL homework ASAP. Its antithesis is the drive to RELAX and do NONE of it. Most of us are neither - we lie somewhere between the two, as a result of a long chain of these decisions - maybe not consciously.

There was an occasion recently in class where Hsieh Wen said that I had the 'right' not to pay attention in A Math, Physics and basically, from what I draw, whatever subjects you're good in. Yet, Juzzie, who overheard it, said there is no such 'right'.

Personally, I believe that I have the option, as everyone has, to not pay attention in a subject. However, right seems very excessive for me, and I think that it's quite rude to NOT pay attention in class, even though I should admit that there have been occasions where I did ignore the lessons.

jk

Mathematical Randomness 1

Question 5 of the Math Olympiad Senior Section:
Implicitly differentiate, let dy/dx equal to 1 and solve.
It should all work out nicely.

jk

Step

happy birthday to russell!

you're a person who made me think abt quite a few pertinent issues
so thanks a lot.
also thanks for being a rather 'nice' guy you could say,
and also being a supportive friend.
the hug really made my day too =)

jk

Transparency

AINERS + INSERT = RETAINS. it actually works. its not that hard to solve actually (you can confirm two of the values right off the start)

ok now ive got that off myself,
a particular comment in class today struck me.
and it seems to apply to my life quite a bit.
"i'm too thin to be noticed" - mdm sandra sim
now you may be thinking, what i am talking about
clearly i'm not too thin to be noticed
but the thing is that's in the physical dimension
consider the... social dimension?

its really quite depressing. i remember when i was younger
one of my idealistic goals was something like
make a positive difference in each of my friends' lives
but this year i realised: i don't even have many a few friends.
hmm maybe its more realistic after all

what is a friend?
one you can joke with? one you can trust? one you can admire?
one whom you feel appreciates you for who you are?
some combination of them?
i know, my definition might be strict - [2], [4] and other things too
but i believe that its pretty much only in that that i can find a friend.
and yet now, what i thought i have may even be evaporating
disappearing into an infinite void, a black hole, whatever.

which is why over the past 2 years ive been thinking a lot
came up with several major questions that really scared me
now ive come to a personal conclusion that well
the whole nature of 'friendship' might be a facade
why? like louis said

"...we can no longer tell each other what we really feel
what we really want
what we really need
we can only keep it in our hearts
and move on
until all of us are indeed lonely souls
involved in many friendship of convenience
friendship of deceit
we tweak ourself
to suit what others think is acceptable"

what do you think? to me it seems true
even in some people who i would consider friends -
i can see the inherent contradictions
between what they tell me privately
and what they show in public
and sometimes i don't even know which view to accept
also with regard to myself
i realised that there are alot of things that i wouldn't do if i didn't "tweak (my)self"
like taking up the guitar, studying java programming, even writing a blog

so...
making a difference? well that's not difficult
but making a significant difference? that's not easy
thats why ive asked myself before
would life be notably different for (x) if i had not existed?
some people have told me yes before
yet the question itself, if actually asked is rhetorical
and then yet some people say yes
but in actuality it seems like no

i remember last yr in sec 3, we did "i am" from poems deep and dangerous.
mr quek got us to write a short "i am" poem, which i did
and the line which i liked the most from mine was still
"i am the glass pane. people don't look at me, but through me"
or something to that effect
i sometimes feel im often used but not recognised or appreciated
like say a stapler. we use the stapler how often, but it seems very rarely appreciated.
anyway i find the metaphor of glass beautiful

then the 'classic' problem situation happens quite a lot too
someone says he'll do something, but then fails to realise on it
it's so common, i wonder what has happened to a thing called 'responsibility' sometimes
i know that i myself am not that responsible
but still, i make an effort to remember. maybe you do and i dont know
but the frequency of your 'forgetfulness' makes it so hard to believe

in larts we're now studying hamlet - "emo" according to mdm suzanne yeo's son or something
and somehow in a way i empathise (sp?) with him
although his problems are compared to mine of course on a much larger scale

sometimes i wish i could just runaway from all this
but it won't happen. wishing that problems go away
it just won't solve them. they'll stay there
probably get even worse if unaddressed
so though it's painful
i've got to face them now.

jk

Spiral

Lessons have resumed after the IP Symposium concluded at the end of last week. The weird irony is that I'm already beginning to feel slightly burnt out, despite the fact that the current workload up to this point during this term has been relatively light.

I think the problem we're looking at here is coursework. More specifically, the problem is long-term work. During the visit to the Ford Factory today, Russell mentioned that he'd prefer the IHS assignment to be a 2-week thing rather than a whole-term thing, because "you'd be more focused if it was just for 2 weeks." I agree; for me, I have nothing due in the immediate week that I haven't quite done yet other than the Chemprac tomorrow, but:

Due Wk 4 - (LAB Group Presentation)
Due Wk 6 - (Chinese 10 Article Scrapbook)
Due Wk 6 - (LAB SBGE Poetry Project)
Due Wk 7 - (IHS Essay)
Due Wk 9 - (Geography Field-work Report)
Due Wk 9 - (CASL Booklet, with signatures)

The thing is, I know that the work is there, which stresses me. Yet, for some reason, I can't really be motivated to start on doing the work, which means the work stays there, and stresses me further.

I think the school was right in warning us that a student who takes 9 subjects should expect a busier schedule. Granted, there are people with 8 subjects who are busier than me, but I can't really think of anyone who does 9 subjects and is quite free offhand other than maybe some of the scholars doing Comp Studies.

Back to MSN, or Scrabble, or whatever I'll be doing next.
jk

Singapore Math Olympiad Senior Section Rd 2

I think I'm quite screwed.

1. (x - y) / (2 + xy) + (y - z) / (2 + yz) + (z - x) / (2 + zx) = 0. Must two out of the three numbers be the same? Justify your answer.
Can do. But it wasted about 1 of my 3 hours on the paper.

2. f(n) accepts positive integers and returns the nth nonsquare positive integer. Prove that f(n) = n + {sqrt n} where {n} is the nearest positive integer.
Well... Easy. Mathematical Induction + defining the set of numbers before {sqrt n} increases.

3. Equilateral triangle ABC, midpoints of AB, AC are M,N respectively. MN intersects with the circumcircle such that the intersections are P and Q. Prove PA^2 x QB = QA^2 x PB.
Interesting. I constructed it but definitely did not get PA^2 x QB = QA^2 x PB. I got something like PA^2 x QB = 1.8 x QA^2 x PB, so I probably got this wrong.

4. There are 64 identical twins arranged in an 8x8 formation. Show that it is possible to select 32 people, one from each pair of twins, s.t. there is at least 1 in each row and column.
I did not really understand this question, as there has to be a reason why they said 32 people and not 8. When I asked the invigilator, he said he'd come back to me wrt that question... and nothing happened after that.

5. Find the maximum x + y such that x + y = SQRT (2x - 1) + SQRT (4y + 3) or something like that.
I couldn't get anywhere with this one. I wrote about two pages on treating this as a parametric equation as well as implicit differentiation but then realised that getting a maximum x or a maximum y may not result in getting the maximum x + y. So I was stuck.

jk