evening star

two tests over the past week. one went reasonably well (physics), the other didn't (econs). i seriously think i am going to fail econs test. i got a definition incomplete (1 mark gone i think), and also couldn't answer the evaluation thingy (8 marks) properly. hopefully for physics i can actually pull out something decent, like maybe 34 or 35 of 40.

and for econs, mr dumortier is no longer teaching our sl3 class. because of one of the year 6 teachers leaving, he supposedly has to focus on helping out the year 6s. it's quite sad... he was really one of the best teachers i've ever had, actually; has very deep understanding of his concepts (including stuff outside syllabus), teaches quickly and effectively. in any case he left what i can say is an impression on me. a very positive one. :(

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i need to seriously discipline myself more. have to light the fire within myself to actually be more proactive in my work and studies. cause right now how it feels is like i'm somewhat hanging on, barely. essentially, i'm just clearing out what needs to be done in the short term it seems i.e. 得过且过 and that is very. very. bad. i haven't done up my english a1 file, my chinese b file, CAS documentation, EE proposal... the list goes on. also i haven't been managing my work and assignments properly. although this one shares many similarities with last year. instead of filing stuff nicely into files, i have one general file (which is OK) and another home general file which consists of random bits of old work that i haven't bothered to file into the appropriate files, yet is so old that leaving it in my bag only adds to the mass already in it.

i talked to a close friend on the phone recently. and he said that himself and another mugger/friend used to represent 2 extremes - the one who gets by on virtue of effort and the other by virtue of his intellect. and i'm at neither extreme - according to him, in the middle. interestingly i find that im sliding (can't say backsliding) towards trying to get by with less effort. that need not be a bad thing, but if i push it too far, which i may or may not be doing now which is making me somewhat concerned, the consequences can and are likely to be quite bad.

cause honestly i know that my academic successes in the past are not based on raw talent alone. there was an element of effort that played somewhat of a big role as well, especially for subjects like geography and chemistry.

maybe my new subject combination has shifted me towards being a more slack person. in secondary school, the subjects which i didn't really focus very much on were actually math, physics and computer science. which are my three HLs now. the subjects which i used to invest quite a bit of effort in - chemistry, geography, language arts - now i take just one of them at standard level. so perhaps its subjects that is making me slacker. or its just that my schedule this year is more demanding than last year. so i need to conserve more power and slack more.

but really its probably just a lack of personal discipline. a problem that i need to overcome. rationalising it in the way ive done in the preceding bunch of paragraphs is somewhat like being like a bad worker blaming the tools that he is given.

in an academic context, its hard to imagine that time is flowing at this speed. it's already term 2 week 7. three more weeks and we have a 4 week pseudobreak which actually implies math competitions + mugging + more homework + EE preparation + CAS documentation + possibly i might go back to acsj for juniors camp (honestly i want to. but i dont know if time allows) + whatever other weird stuff... and then we have exams. which is a primary factor in contributing to why its a pseudobreak and not a break.

at this rate i will get by. i think. but not properly. where were the close-to-100 marks that used to characterise my math and science subjects? you can argue that its because its year 5. but seems not. people are still getting these kinds of marks, and i know that with enough effort and tenacity i should be able to get those marks again. with enough effort and tenacity.

quite a number of high expectations have been placed on me and sometimes it's just irritating to have to deal with them. a few people in my class offered me a bet: for my EE, if i get A then i treat them to drinks, else they dye their hair green. and there are people saying that i should be a future 45 pointer and all. which honestly i don't think i'll achieve because of lang arts. 43, 44 maybe. but no 45. of course i'll do my best. but i seriously think 45 is unlikely.

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which makes me think. to me problems are very strange things. i don't want to face them yet sometimes i like them. because problems bring about a sense of familiarity and security in the sense that im used to facing streams of problems.

also i have some... spiritual problems. won't talk explicitly more about this here.

there's been a song that i've listened to a couple of times this week and i'm quite sure you've heard it before - "give us clean hands". that's something i want to have really. to have clean hands and a pure heart, essentially focusing on God, doing the right things, having the right thoughts and intentions. how difficult... especially in the pursuit of so many things in our daily lives, sometimes i really wonder if i'm "not lifting my soul to another" in a subconscious sense. getting caught up in things i guess.

it's based off these verses which i think i should share...
"[3] Who may ascend the hill of the Lord? Who may stand in his holy place?
[4] He who has clean hands and a pure heart, who does not lift up his soul to an idol, or swear by what is false."
(Psalm 24:3-4)

this is something i'll hopefully be able to learn how to have as time passes on.

jk