ambiguity.

continuing from yesterday,

i find that so much is just not going the way i want it to this year, and though i know that the world as a whole doesn't have much of an incentive to follow what i want, i still feel somewhat disappointed and yet this itself is making me go in the way i don't want to.

with regards to academics, econs left me with a bitter taste. then came physics. and for that matter i think i screwed up math and chinese. comp science might do fine, and it's all not counted, but still. it's an ego deflation... and the problem is that my marks are all very ambiguous. if you get 32 its probably bad, if you get 97 its probably good, but what about 73 or 81? what to make of these??

im also not as on top of my work as i'd like to be, even though i never really was. there's so much work and documentation i need to do for CAS yet i'm typing this out and angsting about my lack of ability to do work. there's the physics worksheet due next week, chinese zhuowen due monday, etcetera... the problem is when i come back from a long day i just want to ANGST. and SLEEP. and... i dunno.

as i explained to russell and isaac, i'd like to be able to call myself busy. probably to delude myself into allowing myself to rest... but somehow i don't really feel that i can consider myself "busy". since i know that i can take more and still hang on...

currently my official/quasi-official days end at times like these:

monday 1640
tuesday 2000
wednesday 2130
thursday 1900
friday 2200
saturday 1430 or 1800
sunday 1200

but i know i can take more than that. i can probably take six 2100s - since i'm not stretching myself, can i really call myself busy? both said yes. which i guess made me consider the possibility of it being the answer, but i'm still really confused with regards to this.

ironically business? busyness? has probably boosted my work efficiency. like during yesterday's recess break, i had lunch with daniel yee, henry, sam chan and a couple of other people. what happened was something like this

*i eat a bit of chicken rice. usually i buy the economy rice instead but for wednesdays it's fried chicken and i like it*
*do physics*
*talk a bit*
*eat*
*physics*
*talk*
et cetera

so i finished 2.4 - Uniform Circular Motion during lunch. which makes me somewhat happy i guess. but still...

a couple of people whom i've been speaking to on the phone have commented that i sound exhausted when i call them (usually, about 2200 but it has been later before). somehow i think i still like the idea of being busy, partially cause i know i do have sadistic tendencies at times...

next, onto ccas. i sometimes do feel that even if i work hard i won't advance very much in the BB (lack of profit motive) because i don't have much of a reputation there. yet i do know that this can't be completely true seeing as i got placed as programmes com i/c for ldc, which shaun lee says is a very important role. i guess... he's right. since the activity comp ppl have to send me their stuff...

today we had drill practice. which was ok, except i made a mistake on the last wheel of the second round, by turning early. naturally the person in my file wasn't too happy (i hit him with an arm swing, and f = ma = d(mv)/dt = mdv/dt + vdm/dt = m dv/dt since dm/dt is negligible). it's my fault. which made me doubt my own drill skills. perhaps i shouldn't march on that day ("call in sick") if my drill sucks, yet i know that if i don't i'll feel that maybe 7-8ish hours of rehearsal was wasted.
so i'll march.

i haven't felt too good recently about maths comp. i'm very slow with questions (the whole team has trouble, but that's no excuse to not be able to do the questions) and also haven't been able to attend properly because of many little events (JAE Orientation Games, Rehearsal today)

there's more. relationships, spiritual development. but i think i'm done emoing for tonight.

what a pointless, aimless rant. as discussed in the tok lecture no matter how much i say i'll never be able to fully say what i mean to say merely via language...

i also need to thank many people. for a variety of reasons. but especially those whom i've discussed this angsty problem with, who've listened to my often meaningless and random-emo rants...

thanks to: russell, isaac, henry, sam chan, hui jun and tim liang.
also to: shaun lee, daniel yee, hsieh wen.

thanks.

it hasn't been the best of times i guess. but i'll be fine.
jk

divergent pain

The problem with a mark like the one I got is that I can't complain too much because the mark is strong in relative terms yet it makes me direct anger at myself for failing.

I hope I won't kill myself. My academic performance is backsliding (I might not even manage an 85 average this term with 41 points) and I'm burdened by CCAs and all.

I don't know where to go from here.

Continuing this tomorrow.
jk.

Chiitoitsu

His voice rang clear across the table.

"Ron!"

He hesitated before knocking over his tiles.
Then leaned back, and smiled somewhat.
"Ah. Chiitoitsu. Strange, unorthodox;
Fitting for a person like me..."

Kokushi Musou wasn't for him;
Yet he couldn't escape the fact that he stood out.
Itsu and Sanshoku were too graceful for him;
Men-Tan-Pin too robotic, too common, too plain.

"Riichi, Ippatsu, Honitsu, Dora 4 -
Akadora 2, Uradora 2, Yakuman!"
He reminisced a game he'd played in the past -
2700 points, but with it came first place.

He collected his points and left the mahjong parlour.

(For non-Riichi mahjong players)
[Ron - call used when one declares a win]
[Chiitoitsu - a hand of seven pairs]
[Kokushi Musou - a hand containing each of the terminal and honor tiles. 1 needs to be paired]
[Itsu - three straights - 123, 456, 789, in the same suit]
[Sanshoku - three straights of the same numbers in the 3 suits]
[Men-Tan-Pin - a concealed hand containing all simples and all straights]
[Riichi - Japanese declaration of ready, adds 1 fan but you can't change your hand]
[Ippatsu - winning before your next discard after Riichi]
[Honitsu - hand consisting of only 1 suit and honors]
[Dora / Akadora / Uradora - bonus tiles worth extra points]
[Yakuman - a big hand, awarded for lots of fan or special patterns]

i'm barely going on. but thanks for your time
jk

Hold

81
It began just two weeks ago -
At a fork where dreams lay strewn.
I focused myself, looked down each path -
Planning paths through fog immune.

I stared down the three paths -
None looked simpler than the rest;
I settled on the clearly toughest -
Knowing that I'd have to do more than my best.

81 wasn't good, 88 neither.
95! Nothing less -
Any more would impress me,
Any less, a sad regress.

It came back. I failed.

Through my life, I've tracked many other paths -
Hoping to remain "good" all the way,
Searching hard each day to find -
A sequence that wouldn't dismay.

These numbers supposedly reflect potential -
To understand, comprehend, apply;
I'd been caught up in a rave of spirit -
Chasing them without knowing why.

As I look back on these paths,
There's something else I've found -
For these 2 digit integers can never truly reflect
Our skill; they merely confound.

Still we can't reject their existence,
For who could deny their use?
Efficient, quick scanning;
Who to keep? Who to lose?

-- Answered promptly by these numbers.
They shout out their role -
The prestige, respect commanded
Needed for "life" to be whole?

Note to the reader - I obtained an 81 for Economics - just a nice number in the low 80s to leave me with mixed feelings. My stance on exams and marks are that though they aren't a good reflection of our true talent, there is little better alternative, and since the system is in place it's no point fighting it, really.



More seriously, sometimes I wonder if I'm really doing the right things or not. The Bible Study conducted during BB on last Saturday has made me think of some things.

To be a leader, we have to serve first - yet what is meant by serving? I've considered this before as keeping the welfare of one's charges in mind. Still - how can we be sure that there is no ulterior motive in keeping the welfare of one's charges? Can there be ulterior motives in true service? ...

The song below, Alabaster Jar, is something that I can say I perhaps... aspire to? Being more than willing to give up one's life for God at one shot seems difficult... This line, in particular, is one that I like but also one that has caused me discomfort at times - You gave Your life for me; so I will live my life for You. What is meant by living our lives for God? During BS I believe Mr Allan Lee talked about standing up for what is right - which I, honestly, find tough at times.

During Chinese B period today, I really felt quite bad. Some people in the class were joking to Mdm Chen Li who is fairly new to the English language. They tried to misspell words like "infiltrate". Furthermore, some of them chose to try and deceive her with supposed "new" computer terms...

I kept quiet, even though I felt it was wrong. I don't know if that was the right thing or not.

This alabaster jar, is all I have of worth;
I lay it at your feet, Lord; it's less than You deserve.
You're far more beautiful; more precious than the oil,
The sum of my desires and the fullness of my joy.

Like You spilled Your blood, I spill my heart,
As an offering to my King;

Here I am, take me, as an offering;
Here I am, giving, every heartbeat;
For Your glory - take me.

The time that I have left, is all I have of worth;
I lay it at your feet, Lord; it's less than You deserve.
And though I've little strength, and though my days are few;
You gave Your life for me; so I will live my life for You.

Worthy, worthy; You are worthy
Worthy is the Lamb.

jk

Blessings

The passing of Valentine's Day for me was ironically laden with tension, sadness and instability. Yet, for me, I feel God has really blessed me today... through the aforementioned tension, sadness and instability He has shown me much mercy, as well as a sense of contentment throughout the mania of the day.

This is actually related to two major events that happened today, the first being the break from 9 am to 9.40 and the second being Dr. Ong's calling for all students except year 3s to go to the auditorium during Chinese period.

During the break, I spoke to a close friend who was really depressed - it was the first time I've seen him cry before. In any case most of the stuff is way too private to post here so I'll leave it at that.

What is the value of life? I've evaluated this question several times at various points in my life, and yet it's typically tough to come up with a good answer. I posted a couple of days back about Siddhartha and the cycle / spiral of life - are we really ascending in any way?

Personally, I know that committing suicide is a sin as it shows that one does not value the life God has given him - consequently, even in times when I feel like it is the easy way out, I will stop myself; no matter how hard things are at the moment, they're transient - the eternal suffering one will experience should one commit suicide is really much worse than any kind of transient suffering (if you know basic concepts of infinity in mathematics, infinity divided by a finite quantity is infinity).

The Student Council has branded this week as Agape Week - Agape generally refers to a kind of divine, unconditional love, much like the love God has for man. There are also other types of relationships we share with others that involve love. I can see quite a few - romantic love, friendship, storgic love (I recall this from CS Lewis' The Four Loves), familial love, love within a church or organization, et cetera. In many ways some of these are going to overlap.

I'm not experienced with many of the types of love mentioned above, so I'll be focusing on friendship really for today.

Aristotle divides friendship into three types, based on people's motives for forming them - friendship for utility, friendship for pleasure and friendship for "the good". It seems that most of our relationships are going to overlap the first two areas easily. For me, I find that quite a number of my "friendships" (I'd rather call them acquaintances) only hit the utility level - that is, they ask me for help in Maths, I check work and schedules with them, et cetera. Quite a number more hit the pleasure level - that is, I enjoy their company... yet, the relationship still seems rather superficial. By the time I hit Aristotle's definition of friendship for "the good", I can only say that I have a few of these friends. Supposedly, these friendships are those in which both friends enjoy each other's characters - that is, the motive behind the friendship is care for the friend, not anything else. These relationships can be (and usually are) tough to forge, but I find them really rewarding and satisfying compared to my other relationships.

There have been other dualities I've discussed with people before, but I guess there isn't really time for me to go through everything now.

you're such a blessing; such a joy in my life.
you may not know it. you probably think you unloaded stuff on me. but i really treasure it.
jk

Phenolphthalein

Things are getting tough, I find. I've been falling sick recently, probably over work - physically and mentally I can handle it, but when I'm hit with an emotional issue things become much worse than normal "hits".

World Scholar's Cup is stressful, and so is school life yet I know much of this is self inflicted. For example, I briefly talked about one question in the econs test with Sam Chan - define ceteris paribus. It's 2 marks, and I didn't think "a Latin expression meaning all other things being equal" would be adequate for 2 marks. 1 definitely, but not 2. Perhaps I'm getting too cautious or afraid to lose out. It's reasonably well expressed by the Chinese expression 草木皆兵.

The very first results of the year are coming out, and while my results aren't bad I wonder what is good and what is bad? An absolute percentage like '67', '90' or '72' often bears little meaning (barring cases like '100' or '1' which could still possibly lack meaning, by the way...); conversely, relative measurement isn't always a good gauge (according to Hui Jun, in his class last year he got top with a '79.xx' but in 4.9 you'd need an '86' and in 4.10 you'd need to find some way to beat '84' still) because it's possible that the people you're comparing against might be 'good' or they might not be. I got a 19 for the Siddhartha KP1 commentary, which I could argue is 'bad' (usually for set texts I shouldn't get less than 21) but also seems 'good' (second in class with top person having 20). The problem with marks in the 60s and 70s, sometimes the 80s, and for Chinese B and Math, the low 90s is that often times they fall into a very ambiguous position. Are they good or bad?

Still, having masochistic tendencies sometimes when stressed I just throw myself into more stressful situations, consuming myself you could argue. I try effectively to enclose myself in stress, depression, or mathematics (there's a book on the Chinese olympiad I have that is pretty good). Escapism. Which I think is not a good thing.

I'd like to post something more structured. However, I'm tired, I don't have much time and for that matter sometimes just a couple of lines of random free verse can express a point much better than an entire structured essay.

i'm left behind. filled with a void in many ways.
yet it's only because i got left behind
did i have a chance to show myself.
and even though things didn't work out well
i know that i've learned something.
the lesson embodied in the words i couldn't find.
jk

Gift

just a moment in time.
when two souls can add something small to their shared experiences.
both tangible and intangible, though small but meaningful.
though it was but a moment.
i'm thankful for what you did.
and though it might seem to be some kind of subversion
you gave me a gift that was - in its own way, priceless.

thanks so much. may God bless you richly in the year ahead.
(you know who you are)

jk

Cycle

I was reading Hesse's Siddhartha in class yesterday, and something in the book made me think about our approaches to life.

This was during their stay with the samanas, basically a group of wandering ascetics who seeked to allow one's inner self to shine through by denying one's own physical body. Siddhartha noticed that the eldest of the samanas was about sixty or so, and after about three years he felt little closer to letting his inner self shine through then when he was born as a child. He wondered if he was going in circles; and to this his friend Govinda replied, "The circle is a spiral. We have already ascended several levels."

As we go through courses of education, and our daily lives, we go through many cycles. The cycle of the academic year, the cycle of the circadian physiological rhythm, possibly even the cycle of happiness and despair, regret and realisation, et cetera.

Are we merely going in circles?

Admittedly, I fear that.
jk

Drain Point

This week's been rather taxing. Friday was mostly LMS work and then drill practice and then physics tuition and then more LMS work and then... sleep. Saturday was BB, more BB, MCYC, dinner, LMS work, sleep. Sunday was a rather long QT session, church, written commentary, LMS work, two 30-minute phonecalls, more LMS work, mug, mug, blog, and after this sleep.

In many ways I'm very grateful to God that he has brought me through the recent 3 days that have been pretty tough on me mentally, physically and emotionally. I had a couple of arguments with friends, both distant and close; and of course, a large amount of work to do.

Let's go:
Language A1: Written Commentary on Strange Meeting
Chinese B: 专题作业、剪报、文章回应, online assignment
Economics: Nothing
Maths: AP-GP Worksheet, online LMS AP-GP-Sigma Worksheet
Physics: Tutorial 2-2 pt 1, 2-2 pt 2, online MCQ quiz, printout on Dynamics
Computer Science: Worksheet, prepare for Test
TOK Essay

What a headache, for 3 days of work...

Things are looking set to heat up. I've ended most of my arguments about relationships by this point, but still... I really hope that academic work and CCA commitments won't take too much of a toll on my relationships.

On another somewhat related note, today I somehow found the courage to actually admit that to me, "my phonecalls this evening are more important than my Lang Arts commentary". Interesting...

I know it might seem that I was complaining a lot about the activities in the first part, but visiting the MCYC was, spiritually, a refreshing experience. The worship really featured many songs that set me into a thinking, active, reflecting state - other than Still which I mentioned in an earlier post. I talked to a few of the youth/children there who were making cards for their parents for Chinese New Year. I tried to impress upon them that what mattered most was the thought and the message behind these cards - these would hit harder than artistic design, or especially for the younger ones, shininess (they were provided with glitter tubes). I'm not sure if I did the right thing. Earlier tonight, or rather yesterday night when I read Psalm 19, there was a verse that I noticed: "Who can discern his errors? Forgive my hidden faults." (Psalm 19:12). What are these hidden faults? It seems quite often that I wonder if I've committed a certain sin that I might not know about. I've also asked a few people - I remember Isaac and Henry, among others, at the conclusion of 2007 if I had done anything that might have hurt them without my own knowledge - so this seems to be a parallel in that we should try not to do such things, except that in the context of sin, the wages of sin is death - in other words, it's very serious (I'm used to taking relationships very seriously, but I don't know about others). I'll post more about this another time.

Despite now having the ability to rest, I still feel drained out. I've been talking to a few people over the past few days, and although I might not have really said it then, you guys really helped. (You know who you are.) Thanks! =)

I can't express my thoughts very well.
jk

Still

Yesterday was a long and tiring day, in a physical, mental and emotional sense. I got angry with a few people after what happened during War Games, and of course I was physically tired (left house at 7 am, came home at 9.30 pm).

Worship at MCYC reminded me of something though - a bit like Siddhartha. Basically, what Siddhartha forgot and remembered eventually was the final syllable of the Brahmin prayer - the "om". For me, this song has been close to my heart for a while, but I somehow couldn't remember it until it was picked as the last song for Worship.

Still
Hide me now, under Your wings
Cover me, within Your mighty hand

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm
Father You are king over the flood
I will be still, know You are God.

Find rest, my soul, in Christ alone
Know His power, in quietness and trust

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm.
Father You are king over the flood
I will be still, know You are God.

ah. what a nice song...

jk